The joke thread II - Page 344

Jimbuna · 03-25-24, 12:54 PM

Restaurant patron: “Waiter, I’d like a bottle of wine.”

Waiter: “What year, sir?”

Patron: “Well, I’d like it right now.”

Platapus · 03-25-24, 03:03 PM

I always pronounce one word wrong.

Wrong.

Jimbuna · 03-26-24, 07:26 AM

Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. “Nora,” she said to her veteran servant, “for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive.”

Nora’s face lit up. “Thank you, ma’am,” she replied. “I’ve been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years.”

Platapus · 03-26-24, 02:51 PM

What do you call a crocodile wearing a vest?

An investigator.

Jimbuna · 03-27-24, 05:37 AM

A bird in the hand is bad table manners.

Platapus · 03-27-24, 03:05 PM

What do you call a Knight who liked to scare people?

Sir Prise

Jimbuna · 03-28-24, 09:12 AM

Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. “Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one,” says one of the eggs.

“Sorry,” the barman replies. “We don’t serve breakfast.”

Platapus · 03-28-24, 05:17 PM

I avoid hanging out with pigs.

They're a boar.

Jimbuna · 03-29-24, 05:33 AM

An American was being shown a big Soviet sign factory. “We turn out about 500 signs a week,” proudly said the Russian, “and when business demands it, we can step it up to 2,000.”

“Amazing!” said the visitor. “By the way, what do the signs say?”

“Elevators not running,” was the answer.

Platapus · 03-29-24, 03:33 PM

What's stranger than seeing a catfish?

Watching a fish bowl.

Jimbuna · 03-30-24, 05:35 AM

NBC’s Moscow correspondent Irving R. Levine heard a Russian greet a friend with: “Have you heard? Pravda is running a contest for the best political joke. The first prize is 20 years.”

Platapus · 03-30-24, 12:14 PM

I got help for my ATM addiction, but went through withdrawals first.

Platapus · 03-31-24, 04:47 AM

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?

Unfortunately, many soles were lost.

Jimbuna · 03-31-24, 07:39 AM

It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, “Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don’t lean back in your chair.” Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along.

Platapus · 03-31-24, 07:47 AM

Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of hurdles?

He got over it.

03-25-24, 12:54 PM	#5146
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,189 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Restaurant patron: “Waiter, I’d like a bottle of wine.” Waiter: “What year, sir?” Patron: “Well, I’d like it right now.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-25-24, 03:03 PM	#5147
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,951 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I always pronounce one word wrong. Wrong. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

03-26-24, 07:26 AM	#5148
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,189 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. “Nora,” she said to her veteran servant, “for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive.” Nora’s face lit up. “Thank you, ma’am,” she replied. “I’ve been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-26-24, 02:51 PM	#5149
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,951 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	What do you call a crocodile wearing a vest? An investigator. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

03-27-24, 05:37 AM	#5150
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,189 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A bird in the hand is bad table manners. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-27-24, 03:05 PM	#5151
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,951 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	What do you call a Knight who liked to scare people? Sir Prise __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

03-28-24, 09:12 AM	#5152
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,189 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. “Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one,” says one of the eggs. “Sorry,” the barman replies. “We don’t serve breakfast.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-28-24, 05:17 PM	#5153
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,951 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I avoid hanging out with pigs. They're a boar. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

03-29-24, 05:33 AM	#5154
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,189 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	An American was being shown a big Soviet sign factory. “We turn out about 500 signs a week,” proudly said the Russian, “and when business demands it, we can step it up to 2,000.” “Amazing!” said the visitor. “By the way, what do the signs say?” “Elevators not running,” was the answer. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-29-24, 03:33 PM	#5155
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,951 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	What's stranger than seeing a catfish? Watching a fish bowl. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

03-30-24, 05:35 AM	#5156
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,189 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	NBC’s Moscow correspondent Irving R. Levine heard a Russian greet a friend with: “Have you heard? Pravda is running a contest for the best political joke. The first prize is 20 years.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-30-24, 12:14 PM	#5157
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,951 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I got help for my ATM addiction, but went through withdrawals first. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

03-31-24, 04:47 AM	#5158
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,951 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? Unfortunately, many soles were lost. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

03-31-24, 07:39 AM	#5159
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,189 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, “Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don’t lean back in your chair.” Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-31-24, 07:47 AM	#5160
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,951 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of hurdles? He got over it. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.