The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

My young daughter asked me this morning.

“Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night, I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream?”

“Nothing darling,” I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half shaved head.

[Jimbuna]

I just can’t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently.

English and Klingon.

[Jimbuna]

Wife: Have you emptied the trash tonight?
Husband: Erm no, I’ll do it in the morning.
Wife: What about the cat?
Husband: I can ask but I think it might be a bit too heavy for him to lift.

[Jimbuna]

My wife just called me.

She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous.”

I said, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers then.”

[Jimbuna]

My friend rang me and asked, “What’re you doing at the moment?”

I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”

[Jimbuna]

Man: You’re a bit fat aren’t you.
Women: Tell me something I don’t know!
Man: Salad taste’s nice.

[Platapus]

Why did the cannibal refuse to eat the man who had no legs?


Perhaps because the cannibal was lack toes intolerant?

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O’Shea.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve decided to dedicate my life to getting prostitutes off the streets.

Usually for an hour or so each time.

[Jimbuna]

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, “You are an irresponsible father!”

I said, “Who was that? Stop the car, son.”

[Jimbuna]

Just had the following conversation with my friend who’s gone backpacking in North Korea.

Me: So how’s your holiday in North Korea going?
Friend: I literally can’t complain and I’ve willingly decided to stay here for another 10 years without any threats of violence. Goodbye!

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: Don’t eat anything fatty
Me: What? You mean like bacon or burgers?
Doctor: No fatty!! Don’t eat anything.

[Jimbuna]

I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for Christmas. Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I’m now in casualty…

[Jimbuna]

I love Jesus. He’s born, I get presents. He dies, I get chocolate. He’s the best.

[Jimbuna]

I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.