The joke thread II

[magic452]

I've not been feeling well so I thought I'd go to the pub...I walked in and ordered 3 double brandies, a red bull & a bag of pork scratchings.

I necked the red bull and two of the brandies and was just washing down the pork scratchings with the last brandy. "I really shouldn't be having this with what I've got" I said to the barman. "Oh why's that sir? What have you got?"

"About £3.50.…”


Magic

[Platapus]

I have no ikea why the Swedish are so clever at furniture design.

[Jimbuna]

A nun found herself walking through a questionable neighborhood one night on her way back to the convent. Nearing a bar, she saw a large, disreputable-looking man step outside. He began walking towards her, clearly swaying as a result of the many drinks he had undoubtedly just consumed.

Although the nun very much disapproved of overindulging in drink, she decided that this time, discretion was the better part of valor. She smiled at him and stepped to the side to pass him. Suddenly, the man hauled back and punched her in the face. As she fell back in shock and pain, he threw another punch. And another and another.

The last thing she heard before she passed out: "Ya ain't shhho tough tonight, arrrrrre ya Batman??"

[Jimbuna]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . You know what, I just HATE drawing welfare I would really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his 18-year-old nymphomaniac daughter. You will have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have an adjoining room. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bull****ting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[Platapus]

Why do Norwegian warships have barcodes painted on the hull?


To make it easier to scan the navy in.

[Jimbuna]

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the meantime, Steve cares for her; keeps her sheltered, watered, fed and clean.

When the young woman finally comes to, Steve is shocked when he realises that she is actually Jennifer Lawrence. It takes Jennifer another week or so to fully recover but, once she does, they share their survival responsibilities equally. Steve is the better cook, Jennifer the better diver.

After a month or so, Jennifer begins to realise what a find Steve is. He’s intelligent, unassuming, fit, not unattractive, caring and he has made zero attempt to jump her. Romance blooms. Steve turns out to be an imaginative and enthusiastic lover. Bliss reigns.

One night, some time later, while sitting around the campfire, Jennifer notices that Steve is a bit glum.

“Are you OK?” , she asks.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”, Steve says.

“No you’re not, Steve. Something’s wrong. What’s wrong, Steve?”

“No, I’m OK. Really.”, Steve says.

“Steve, if there’s something missing, something you need, I want to help.”

“I’m sorry, Jen, but you’d think I was really weird.”

“Weird!”, Jennifer exclaims. “I work in Hollywood. Steve, you have no idea. Please, let me help.”

“Are you sure?”, Steve asks quietly.

“I’m sure.”, Jennifer says. “What do you want me to do?”

“Well,”, says Steve. “Can you put on my cap and tuck your hair up in it?”

“Thanks. Now can you take this piece of charcoal and use it to draw yourself a moustache?”

“Thanks. Now, do you mind if i call you Joe?”

“Joe?”, asks Jennifer. “OK, you can call me Joe.”

A long pause in the firelight ….

“Joe,” says Steve. “You are NOT going to believe who I’ve been sleeping with.”

[Jimbuna]

A woman asked her engineer husband to go to the store.

“Please get a dozen eggs and if they have avocados get three.”

So the guy comes home with three dozen eggs.

“How come you got three dozen eggs” she asks.

“Because they had avocados”

[Platapus]

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?


Beer Nuts cost about $2.50
Deer Nuts are under a Buck.

[Jimbuna]

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her and began to feel humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat, and he seemed more amused.

She moved again, and then on her fourth move, he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement that read, "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins." Then she moved under a sign that read, "Sloan's Liniments remove swelling."

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement that read, "William's Stick Did the Trick."

Then I could not control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement that read, "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident."

The case was dismissed.

[Platapus]

I eat three square meals a day
I work out two times a day
I have sex three times a day


But I am getting of being in prison.

[Rockstar]

Why did the Monk start pulling coins out of his butt? “Because change comes from within”.

[Jimbuna]

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spy some surfers. The younger one licks his lips and makes a beeline for them.
"Just a minute," says his father, stopping him. "First we swim around them with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they do.
"Now we swim around them a few times with all our fins showing."
And they do.
"Now we eat everybody."
When they are both gorged, the son asks, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them when we first saw them?"
"Because they taste better without all the poop inside."

[Jimbuna]

One day, Donald Trump visited an elementary school, to tell the children about his success, and to show off his ‘intelligence’.

The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word ‘tragedy’, when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom.

Trump decided to help the children learn the word ‘tragedy’, and asked the following question to them:

“What would be a tragedy, kids?”

A bespectacled boy nervously answers:

“If my best friend died of pneumonia, that would be a tragedy.”

“No, that would be a great loss,” Trump corrects him.

Another shy young child answers:

“If my uncle got hit by a train, that would be a tragedy.”

“No, no, that would be an accident,” Trump replies.

A young girl raises her hand. The wealthy businessman asks her if she’d like to give an example of a tragedy. The girl nods, and says:

“If Mr. Trump was in his private jet, and a missile hit the jet, that would be a tragedy.”

“Yes, that would be a tragedy for sure. Can you tell me why?” The businessman asks.

“Well, it definitely wasn’t a great loss, and I’m not sure if it was an accident, either,”

answers the young girl.

[Jimbuna]

The funniest story told about a South Korean President is no doubt the
tale of Kim Young Sam's meeting with U.S. President Bill Clinton. As the story goes, Kim spoke little English and worried about embarrassing himself during the pre-meeting photo-op. His aides tried to coach him. They practiced lines: Kim would say, "How are you?" Clinton would surely answer "Fine" and no doubt politely return the question. All Kim had to say was, "Me too." Then the pair could head off and speak in private, through interpreters.

What happened, the story continues, is that, when the presidents finally
met, Kim got confused and said, "Who are you?" Clinton, figuring his
counterpart was joking, teasingly bantered back: "I'm Hillary's husband."
Kim, who had learned at least one of his lines, confidently retorted: "Me
too."

[Platapus]

PSA

If you wear a mask and glasses
You may be entitled to condensation