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03-26-21, 06:41 AM | #2866 |
Chief of the Boat
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A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
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Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
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03-28-21, 10:45 AM | #2867 |
Chief of the Boat
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My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
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Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
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03-28-21, 10:50 AM | #2868 |
Chief of the Boat
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Three guys are fishing when an angel appears. The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief. The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man
gains 20/20 vision. As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
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Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
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03-29-21, 02:08 PM | #2869 |
Chief of the Boat
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Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.” “Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your fears,” says the shrink. “And I’ll charge you only $200 a visit.” Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. “For $200 a visit?” says Lenny. “A bartender cured me for $10.” “Is that so! How?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
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Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
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03-30-21, 01:50 PM | #2870 |
Chief of the Boat
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Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon's name was Dr. Eror.
"What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry. "Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."
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Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
03-31-21, 12:54 PM | #2871 |
Chief of the Boat
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I overheard two EMT volunteers talking about the time they went to the aid of an elderly man. As one took down his information, the other opened his shirt to attach EKG cables.
"Any history of heart trouble?" asked the first volunteer. "None," said the patient. Looking at the telltale scars of bypass surgery, the second volunteer wasn't so sure. "In that case," he said, "do you remember when the lion attacked you?"
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Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
03-31-21, 01:59 PM | #2872 |
Dipped Squirrel Operative
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^ 'twas but a midget
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>^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong. |
04-01-21, 06:58 AM | #2873 |
Chief of the Boat
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They've just found a gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
04-01-21, 12:15 PM | #2874 |
Navy Seal
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pla•teau noun a relatively stable level, period, or condition a level of attainment or achievement Lord help me get to the next plateau .. |
04-01-21, 01:54 PM | #2875 |
Machinist's Mate
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Usually in the past....
Posts: 121
Downloads: 141
Uploads: 0
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And I'm not going to shave it off!! I've had this one since 1973. Last edited by Peter Cremer; 04-01-21 at 02:02 PM. |
04-01-21, 02:14 PM | #2876 |
Chief of the Boat
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It was time for my dog's annual checkup. Following the vet's instructions, I collected a stool sample and dropped it in a plastic container before we left for his office. When we arrived, I handed the sample to the receptionist, who immediately cracked a smile. The container read "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
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Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
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04-02-21, 01:38 PM | #2877 |
Chief of the Boat
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Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions.
"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic. "No," John whispered. "I quit." "That"s good. When did you quit?" "Around 9:30 this morning."
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Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
04-03-21, 05:47 AM | #2878 |
Silent Hunter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,633
Downloads: 58
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Why was the Easter Bunny upset ?
'Cause he was having a bad hare day.
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04-03-21, 12:27 PM | #2879 |
Chief of the Boat
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Doing rounds, a new nurse couldn't help overhearing the surgeon yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
"Why does he keep doing that?" she asked a colleague. "Oh, he likes to call the shots around here."
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
04-03-21, 12:28 PM | #2880 |
Chief of the Boat
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Last Valentine's Day, I arrived at the doctor's office where I work as a receptionist to find a mystery man pacing up and down holding a package. As I got out of the car, he declared warmly, "I have something for you." I excitedly ripped open the bundle. It was a urine sample.
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Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
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