2016 Subsim Fantasy Football Reports

[Gut Wrench]

Here we go again folks, 16 of the most frustrating weeks in make believe since we concluded the last sixteen weeks earlier this year. Will we have a repeat champion? Can the international teams get back tot heir glory? Which players will inevitably fail and leave one team on the cusp of .... the Torpedo Bowl.

Yes, it's that time, as we go around the grounds in the

2016 SUBSIM FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE

On draft day we have six returning teams getting ready to make their mark int he premier football league of the world. This year, replacement Commissioner Pioneer (we're still looking for you McBee!) took the opportunity to head to a little more intimate location for the draft. NO fanfare, no major announcement, no half naked super model (they're ALL Naked) and headed to the Maldive Islands.




Somehow, the League decided that this lowly reporter was the only one invited to this pretend location, so I packed my fantasy bag, swimming outfit and fantasy girl and boarded a plane to follow the Coaches to the tropics as they get ready for Draft Day.

And first pick of the draft this year goes to...again, Coach Fuel For Blood with the Who Dat Nation Rises Again.

Teams are still welcome to join....if you can get to the Maldives by the top of the hour.

[Gut Wrench]

2016 Subsim Fantasy Football Draft
A Buffet Breakfast Draft.

Breakfast in the Maldives. A buffet of fruit, seafood, and fantasy football players. A quick recap on what happened before and after the Draft, but before we do, here's the second most important message of the day.

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On with the Fantasy Football show.

It seems that history will forever belong to former coach Tarjack as the discussion at the start of the draft was, once again, would somone take a Defense in the first round. Sorry Tarjack, the first Defense was taken until the eight.

There were no major surprises during the draft, and the draft was into the sixth round before the first "dammit" was exclaimed, although it appeared that Mister Chris had been sitting on an IED for a few rounds as he furiously crossed out and erased each time one of his anticipated choices were picked up before he could acquire them.

After the draft though, it appeared that the minor league NFL began wholesale trades and cuts. We'll still be here in the Maldives for the next week as the Coaches solidify their teams, and then we'll have eyes on every game, every week, as we hunt down the next Torpedo Bowl Champion.

[CaptainHaplo]

Go ahead and put the Black Cats name on the trophy now.....

[Gut Wrench]

WHO DAT NEEDS ALL OF THE NATION
Black Cats Claim Trophy in Week 1?

Week 1 in the Subsim Fantasy Football League. First game, first opportunity, and judging by prior commentary, first bold statement of the year. We find out if the defending champions have what it takes, we'll look at the silent threat of the Gunners, and check out if the Cats can defend their pre week one engraving on the Torpedo Bowl

Before we look at anything, let's make sure that look at what's really important to this game.


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Week 1 and if you're based anywhere in the world outside of the continental United States, you're on the road. The first of our two foreign teams on the road from London are Mister Chris and the Helmands Nighthawks traveling the FurBall Path headed to meet the Black Cats. Coach Halo after making the wildest claim of "put our names on the trophy....before the season starts" backed up his claim for the trophy with a Week 1 stamping of assertion. The Cats, carrying less Panthers this year than ever before, began the season riding on the shoulders of Derek Carr (QB). An untried commodity against the once glorious Nighthawk Russell Wilson (QB), Carr was able to throw for over 300 yards and put two of his wide receivers, Jordy Nelson and Kelvin Benjamin into the endzone more times than the Nighthawks.

We always seem to have this same conversation year after year, where the question do the Black Cats have the legs to go all the way. Usually the week after we question them the Cats come out and stomp their opposition, so this year, we're going to put the Black Cats victory down to a well oiled piece of machinery, churning it's way through the league beginning with the surprise demolition of the Helmand Nighthawks. Black Cats win their home opener 122 - 108.

Guns of Hochuli got to stay at home this weekend also based on Coach Thad forgetting the draft. You gotta show up for the draft Thad, or you'll end up picking a defense in the first round. Gunners this years are lead by Big Ben (QB) who return to the team after a few years of some other substandard teams. The Drunk Monkeys are no slouch having drafted the returning from injury Andrew Luck (QB), but they had no help when they started suspended Le'Veon bell (RB). Again, we find ourselves Monday Night Quarterbacking some poor choices. Had Coach Thad chosen a Running Back that had any points, he could have reduced the score line and put himself into the running for a win. No running back, no win, and the Drunk Monkeys fall to the Guns of Hochuli 136 - 149. Gunners get the win and look forward to the Defending Champions the Who dat Nation, to determine if they sit alone at the top of the division after Week 1.

Our Match of the Day, as always for Week 1, features our defending Champions staying at home against a really good team. Somehow a really good team was unavailable and the Australian Taipans were scheduled in their place. The Who Dat Nation was favored by 50 points, it didn't even look like it would be a close game. But it was, Drew Brees (QB) set the tone for the Who Dat Nation by coming out and just lighting up the scoreboard with 44 points. The Nation could have had more points if they hadn't make a rookie mistake in starting Justin Landry (WR) and Seattle (Defense). Fortunately for Coach FuelForBlood, they two didn't cancel each other out. The Taipans however got off to a wild start before the game even started, having to trade out two starters, and then losing two more starters to injury during the game. But they stayed with their game working against the Tide and putting up one of the most recent record losing score. If they had played anyone else, they would have had the W, but instead, fall short late on Monday Night when Todd Gurley (RB) gets shut out. Who Dat Nation opens the season off with a high scoring, but less than convincing win against the Taipans 186 - 163.

So, at the end of week 1, here's how the league looks: half the teams are 1-0, the other half are 0-1.

Next week, we head across the Atlantic to the home of the American British team, the Helmand Nighthawks, as they play the Australian American team, the Taipans in our Match of the Week. The two internationals go head to head, once again, early in the season but this time, both teams are trying to get to 1-1.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 8 receptions for 126 yards and 2 touchdowns, for a total of 38.6 points (and was still not the highest individual score of the week) , the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Antonio Brown of the Who Dat Nation, the Week One MVT.

[Gut Wrench]

WHO DAT SMASHED
Can You Hear The Guns Now?

Week 2 in the Subsim Fantasy Football League, and it looks like we have a number of firsts this week. First beat down of our defending champion, first claim of ownership for a new champion, and sadly, first appearance of a ghost tea, - and it isn't even Halloween yet.

We'll go around the grounds and check in on all the action, just as soon as we bring you this very important message.


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Week 2 in the Subsim Fantasy league, as we start to grind our way towards the elusive Torpedo Bowl. Some teams will be challengers, others will wax and wain, and if you are the Drunk Monkeys, you might even try to show up once in a while cause you got 5 wins last year without doing squat. Of course this week, you got your buckshot handed to you by the Black Cats. Coach FYC was on fire this week, with his divisional opponents facing off against one another, it was an opportunity to go one game ahead which looks like all three teams are going to show up this year. At the hand of Cam Newton (QB) the Black Cats carved out a wretched path of destruction against the Drunk Monkeys; not even 22 points by the Broncos (Def) could help Coach Thad this week as the Cats demolished the Monkeys.

"Whoo hoo, **** yeah, how about them apples, you piece of crap Gut Wrench."



The media senses that Coach FYC is not a fan of our writing, so rather than antagonize the Cat (this week), we'll just tip our heat and say "we're impressed" as the Black Cats dismantle the Drunk Monkeys 162 - 119. Black Cats advance to 2-0, and share of the League Lead and sole outright ownership of the division.

Back on home soil, the Guns of Hochuli were hosting the defending champions the Who Dat Nation in what is being predicted as the possible Torpedo Bowl match up. I certainly hope come December it's a little more exciting that this time cause the Nation were sent packing. The Gunners at 1-0, like the Black Cats, were looking to put away their divisional rival and take a share of the ownership of the league. And that they did with a systematic demolition of the Nation. With only two of the Gunners starting team not scoring double digit points (AJ Green (WR) and Mark Ingram (RB)), they were in part helped to a very comfortabel win with the implosion of RB Doug Martyon and Arian Foster for a combined score of 3.8. Even the Nation's Blair Walsh (K) scored more points than that (6 to be exact). Gunners humiliate the Who Dat Nation 121 - 78.

Our Match of the Day was in London where the Helmand Nighthawks were hosting the Australian Taipans on their first "round the world" away trip. Nighthawks started early on Thursday with future potential QB Julian Edelmann (WR) scoring first. With the balance of Brandon Marshall and Dez Bryant (WR) the Nighthawks simply outscored the Taipans at every position, except for Kicker where the Taipans scored 17.50 with Graham Gano. For the second week in a row, the Taipans get beaten by a team putting up another record score. Helmand Nighthawks take the first of the divisional match ups in London to cut the Taipans 162 - 132.

So where does that leave us?

The Gunners and Black Cats at 2-0 share the league lead. Nighthawks win the count back for 3rd position over the Who Dat Nation also at 1-1. Only because the Nation have less points for than against them. Tapins come in at 5th having scored more points than any other team, but also, having more points scored against them by other teams. Drunk Monkeys bring up the Ghostly rear.

Next week, we will have one team with sole ownership of the league as the Guns of Hochuli stay home against the Black cats. With both teams at 2-0, this game becomes pivotal in Week 3 as it is the only meeting between the Gunners and the Cats all year.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 353 passing yards, 37 rushing yards and 4 touchdowns, for a total of 44.32 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Cam Newton of the Black Cats the Week Two MVT.

[CaptainHaplo]

Coach FYC is indeed a huge fan of the Subsim Fantasy Football reports!

Not so much a fan of the injury bug though! 2 RB's both injured - what's up with that?

Its ok - the Black Cats have officially doubled the yahoo prediction on wins. Take that, Yahoo!

[Gut Wrench]

TAIPANS GET ONE BACK AGAINST WHO?
Do Gunners Own the League Yet?

Week 3 in the Subsim Fantasy Football League. And between a rewrite of all three games, and the amount of traffic leaving the Superdome tonight, it's a wonder that anyone can get a Fantasy Football Report written, but we have. We'll tell you about the almost greatest comeback ever seen, who almost coughed up a furball and which team was lucky to be playing the Ghosts this week.

But before we do any of that, let's hear the immortal words from both Presidential Candidates in tonight mass debate.


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Wee 3 in the Subsim Fantasy Football league and the Taipans finally come home to their opening game. After having been marginally beaten on two different continents, the Taipans were trying to stop the landslide by getting one back against their Week 1 rivals, the Who Dat Nation. The Taipans started brilliantly on Thursday night with the New England Defense scoring 27 points (who'd have picked that?) Taipans have been decimated by injuries early ( haven't we all heard that before) but they went out and finally declared their weekend over at 162.20. Coach Pioneer said to the Coach Fuel For Blood "You think you're good enough, come and get it."

Holy crap, Drew Brees (QB) and Devonte Freeman (RB) went after the Taipans, collectively scoring 75 combined points, and only needing Brandon Cooks (WR) of the Nation to bring in the last remaining five or so points. Uh, hello, calling Mister Cooks, where were you? At a lousy 3.9 points, Cooks failed to deliver the last piece of one of the biggest run downs ever seen in fantasy football, to leave the Who Dat Nation short by 1.16 point. From 90 points back they ran down the Taipans but come up 11 yards short. Taipans narrowly get one back, beating the Who Dat Nation 162.2 - 161.04.

Coach Pioneer said after the game "We we're lucky."

Our Match of the Day this week was the Black Cats hosting the Guns of Hochuli. The Furballs and the Gunners only meeting this year drew considerable interest from around the league as they watched one spartan and one almost spartan go blow for blow. The Cats were relying on Cam Newton (QB) who scored modestly, however, it was the selection of Kelvin Benjamin, currently on PTO to attend the Presidential Debate, which shocked the league, scoring a big fat score of 0. With a final tally of 122.68 points, the Cats were not yet assured the victory with the Gunners RB of Mark Ingram still to play. Ingram came out and played, ran, caught a touchdown and a 2 point point conversation to swing the Monday night final result to the Gunners favor. A closer than expected win for the Gunners after Big Ben (QB) choked earlier in the weekend on a furball. Final score Guns of Hochuli 128.48 - Black Cats 122.68.

The Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) are not yet convinced on either team being the dominate force this year, so we'll have a look at one more game, which was also decided late Monday night.

The Ghost Team of the Drunk Monkeys were hosting the Helmand Nighthawks back on the North American continent after a one game home stand in England. The Nighthawks, surprisingly, only put up 123 points. The Monkeys' even though they started suspended RB Le'Von bell, still had Julio Jones (WR) to play on Monday night, and this game also looked like it was going to down to the wire. From the broadcast booth, I repeatedly had to check the tally sheet on Jones throughout the night just to make sure I wasn't missing any catches. Only 1? Who the hell only brings in one catch on a Monday night? Oh, that's right, the Drunk Monkeys, who had a chance to steal a game from the Nighthawks, but fell short. Nighthawks win this one 123 - 114 and can count themselves lucky to have done so.

So after a quarter of the way through the season, let's check the Arnold Palmer Memorial Scorecard and see where the leaders and bogeys lay.

The Guns of Hochuli at 3-0 lead the league and hold a two game lead in their division. Unless the Ghost Team returns to life, the Gunners are in a two horse race to win that division.

The Black Cats and the Helmand Nighthawks are tied at 2-1 both within the league and within their division. The Surface Skimmers division this year looks to be a scrappy affair, where any of the three teams could win the division.

The Who Dat nation and the Australian Taipans are 1-2 and in their respective divisions and need to do some work to catch up. The Nation are two games behind the Gunners, while the Taipans who have scored more points than anyone else, and have also had more points scored against them than anyone else.

The Drunk Monkeys sit at the bottom of the ladder at 0-3 waiting for their coach to show up, again.

Next week, we go back to merry old England as the league makes the Who Dat Nation cross the world from their game in Australia, as the Nighthawks host the Oregon based team. Both teams need a win to stay in contact with the Gunners, and yet, both teams do not need a loss.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 205 passing yards, 4 touchdowns and the important 22 rushing yards for the win, for a total of 33.40 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Aaron Rodgers of the Australian Taipans the Week Three MVT.