The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

I tried to catch fog yesterday.

Mist.

[Jimbuna]

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

[Jimbuna]

I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm.

I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.

[Jimbuna]

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

[Jimbuna]

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

[magic452]

Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife:
"Honey, I'm almost out of time and there's something I'd like you to do for me when I'm gone."

She nodded her head and said, "You can count on me. Anything you ask, I'll make sure it's done."

"I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob," he said, his voice filled with emotion.
Astonished, his wife replied, "Jacob? But I thought you couldn't stand him!"
He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered, "That's precisely why..."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?

A roamin’ Catholic.

[Jimbuna]

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

[Jimbuna]

Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?

They just wash up on shore.

[Jimbuna]

Two Hollywood stars ran into each other at the door of their psychiatrist’s office.

“Hello, there,” said one. “Are you coming or going?”

“If I knew that,” said the other, “I wouldn’t be here.”

[Jimbuna]

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

[Jimbuna]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, they named a drink after you!”

“Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”

[Jimbuna]

A Hollywood hostess, giving instructions to a new maid just before a party, cautioned: “Now remember, Marie, when you serve my guests, don’t wear any jewelry.”

“I haven’t anything valuable, madam,” answered the maid. “But thanks for the warning just the same.”

[Jimbuna]

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

[Jimbuna]

Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.

“Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.

“I’m not sure,” said his friend, “but I think she’s cramming for her finals.”