The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

I tried cooking with wine for the 1st time last night. After 5 glasses I can’t remember what happened and I woke up on the kitchen floor with an empty bottle.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversion took place in a Polish church.

Polish Man: I want to divorce my wife.
Priest: Why my son?
Polish Man: I think she is trying to kill me.
Priest: What makes you say this?
Polish Man: I found polish remover in the medicine cabinet.

[magic452]

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

What do Santa Claus and Lee Harvey Oswald have in common?

They can both be in two places at once.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe???

Roberto

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat when she gets a cut she bleeds custard.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so ugly that she has to put a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

[Jimbuna]

My friend got me a book for my birthday called ‘Recipes for Cooking Road-kill’. I found some road-kill the other day, cooked it and it was delicious.. Not sure what to do with the bicycle though.

[Jimbuna]

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a 3-year-old boy and his mum while having a bath.

Boy: ‘Mum are these round things between my legs my brains?’
Mum: ‘No not yet!’

[Jimbuna]

Since his release on bail Oscar Pistorious has decided to spend the weekend clay pigeon shooting to relax. So far he’s accidentally killed 2 elephants and shot a Jeep that was on safari.

[Jimbuna]

My neighbor recently received an unexplained head injury while in his garden and had to go to hospital. Luckily his house is only a stones throw away from mine and I was able to find him and call for help.

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the chameleon who could not change colors?


He had reptile dysfunction

[Jimbuna]

Yo mamas so dumb she bought tickets to see xbox live.

[Jimbuna]

This year has seen the coldest winter since records began for countries in the northern hemisphere. It’s been so cold that numerous politicians have actually been seen with their hands in their own pockets.