The joke thread II

[Eisenwurst]

Where did the sheep go on vacation???

The Baa Hamas.

[magic452]

Two men are standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asks the first one his name and what he did. He gives his name and says, "I drove a taxi in New York City for 30 years." St. Peter checks his records and says, "OK, here is a silk robe and enter Heaven."

St. Peter asks the second man the same question and he replies, "I was the Pastor of the Calvary Church and I preached the gospel for 40 years." St. Peter again checks his records and says, "OK, here is a cotton robe and enter Heaven." The Pastor is puzzled and asks why the cab driver got a silk robe and he only got a cotton robe.

St Peter replies, "Up here we go by results. While you were preaching people were sleeping. While he was driving people were praying."

Magic

[Platapus]

I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.

[Aktungbby]

Three engineer students are discussing the possible designer of the human body. "It was a mechanical engineer" says one: " just look at all those joints." Another renders: "Nope, had to have been an electrical engineer...that nervous system has thousands of electrical connections." The last imputs: "It was civil engineer! Who else would run a toxic waste line through a recreational area!??"

[Jimbuna]

One day a man showed up at the office wearing a pair of new shoes made of turtle skin. When a co-worker asked him how he liked them, he replied thoughtfully, “Well, they’re the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever worn but I do have one unusual problem with them. It took me an hour and a half to walk out of the store.”

[Eisenwurst]

Why'd Mozart get rid of his chickens???

'Cause they kept saying.....Bach, Bach, Bach.

[Platapus]

Someone invented a pencil with an eraser at both ends.


I think that's pointless

[Jimbuna]

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

[Jeff-Groves]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed, and said "You Americans.

You are such a rude class of people.

Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady.

May I sit there?

I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!

Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train, and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[Platapus]

Shouldn't the roof of your mouth really be called the ceiling?

[Jimbuna]

“I wish I had enough money to buy an elephant.”

“What on earth do you need an elephant for?”

“I don’t. I just need the money.”

[Platapus]

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.

[Eisenwurst]

Why did the dinosaur cross the road??

'Cause the chicken wasn't born yet.

[Jimbuna]

While I was making farewell visits before moving to a new parish, an elderly member of the congregation paid me the compliment of suggesting that my successor would not be as good as I had been.

“Nonsense,” I replied, flattered.

“No, really,” she insisted. “I’ve lived here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last.”

[Jeff-Groves]

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question.
But he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely, she's old enough for a straight answer.
So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees."
After a brief explanation, the little girl appears a little pale and wide-eyed in disbelief.
"By the way, dear, why do you ask?" the father asks.
The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."