The joke thread II

[mikesn9]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there.

On a similar thought:
There are more airplanes lost in the ocean than submarines lost in the sky.

[Jimbuna]

I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Hazing the new guy,” he said with a grin.

“You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet.”

His reply was quick and to the point: “You didn’t.”

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”

“Twelve dollars,” says the barber.

“And for a shave?”

“Ten dollars.”

“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”

[Jimbuna]

I didn’t enlist in the Army — I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?"

"What letters?" I answered slyly.

"Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."

[Jimbuna]

The chief and I were on our submarine trying in vain to hook up some fire hoses. The wrenches we had didn’t fit the connections, so he resorted to banging away at the hoses to make things fit. Just then an ensign walked by.

"Chief," he yelled out, "I have a book on tools you can borrow."

"Get it!" shouted the chief. "It’s got to be heavier than this wrench I’m using."

[Catfish]

Originally Posted by mikesn9

[...] There are more airplanes lost in the ocean than submarines lost in the sky.

What about airships? Maybe some rose too high to ever come back..

[BossMark]

"Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick.
"How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"
"Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?"
"A ten-foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone down.

[Jimbuna]

I served in a parachute regiment. During a nighttime exercise, I was seated next to a young officer. He was looking a bit pale, so I asked, "Scared, lieutenant?"

"No," he replied. "Apprehensive."

"What’s the difference?"

"That means I’m scared, but with a university education."

[BossMark]

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of twenty euros costs.
'Now don't let me ever see your face again, 'said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
'I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir', said the released man.
'And why not?' .
'Because I'm the barman at your regular pub.'

[Jimbuna]

As a new paratrooper, I was struck by all the T-shirts on base emblazoned with the motto "Death from above!" Later I noticed a submariner with a T-shirt that declared "Death from below!"

Then, standing in line for chow one day, I was served by an Army cook. His T-shirt had a skull with a crossed fork and spoon underneath and yet another warning: "Death from within!"

[Jimbuna]

Marines are known for storming the beaches, not for romance. I witnessed this firsthand at the base in Twentynine Palms, California. One of the enlisted men complimented the receptionist’s flowered jacket.

"It’s very pretty," he said shyly.

"Thank you," she replied coyly.

"Yeah," he went on. "It looks just like my mother’s sofa."

[Jimbuna]

While lopping branches off a tree in his yard, my company commander lacerated his leg with a chain saw, requiring a trip to the hospital and stitches. Our sergeant decided we should clean up the mess for him. On the office chalkboard were directions to his home, along with this clarification: "It’s the house with the limbs in the yard."

[BossMark]

Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car's indicators are working.
He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."

[Catfish]

To overturn a regime, you need

In country x:
- 10,000 soldiers
- 10,000 bullets
- 50 Mio. $

In Austria you need:
- 1 whore
- 7 cameres
- 2 idiots

[Jimbuna]

While standing watch in the Coast Guard station in Juneau, Alaska, I got a call from the Navy in the nearby city of Adak. They had lost contact with one of their planes, and they needed the Coast Guard to send an aircraft to go find it. I asked the man where the Navy aircraft had last been spotted so we would know where to search.

"I can’t tell you," the Navy man said. "That’s classified."