The joke thread II - Page 296

Platapus · 07-07-23, 03:52 PM

I joined Gamblers Anonymous

They gave me 2:1 odds of not being successful.

Jimbuna · 07-08-23, 04:04 AM

Newspaper editor Arthur Brisbane was telling his best cartoonist, Winsor McCay, that he was the second-greatest cartoonist in the world. A reporter standing nearby, his curiosity aroused, asked Brisbane who was first. “I don’t know,” replied Brisbane. “But it sure keeps McCay on his toes.”

Platapus · 07-08-23, 04:54 AM

I am not saying that I am ugly
But the last time I went to see my proctologist
he stuck his finger in my mouth

Jimbuna · 07-08-23, 05:06 AM

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

Platapus · 07-08-23, 09:23 AM

I am not saying that my girlfriend is fat

But when she wears high heels, she strikes oil

Jimbuna · 07-08-23, 09:59 AM

While I was making farewell visits before moving to a new parish, an elderly member of the congregation paid me the compliment of suggesting that my successor would not be as good as I had been.

“Nonsense,” I replied, flattered.

“No, really,” she insisted. “I’ve lived here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last.”

Platapus · 07-08-23, 08:22 PM

Growing up, I never knew my ladder

Only my step-ladder.

Jimbuna · 07-09-23, 05:09 AM

“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her way. Second, let her have it.”

Jimbuna · 07-09-23, 07:43 AM

Phoning a patient, the doctor says, “I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live.”

“That is bad news,” the patient replies. “What could be worse?”

The doctor answers, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

Platapus · 07-09-23, 12:39 PM

Sucks growing old. Everything slows down

Last year, I visited Mexico and got a bad case of the walks.

Jimbuna · 07-10-23, 06:03 AM

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident to find a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”

“How should I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”

Jimbuna · 07-10-23, 01:14 PM

The young father took a seat on the bus next to an elderly man and plopped his one-year-old on his lap, just as the little boy began to cry and fidget.

“That child is spoiled, isn’t he?” the old man remarked.

“No,” said the dad. “They all smell this way.”

Jimbuna · 07-11-23, 05:35 AM

I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”

I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.

Jimbuna · 07-11-23, 10:13 AM

Hillbilly Moms Letter

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.
Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so dont know if you are an Aunt or Uncle???
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.
One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.
Not much more news this time.
Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Mom

P.S. - I was going to send you some spending money, but I had already sealed the envelope and mailed it.

Catfish · 07-11-23, 03:37 PM

re the iPad

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

[...] I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.

07-07-23, 03:52 PM	#4426
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,978 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I joined Gamblers Anonymous They gave me 2:1 odds of not being successful. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-08-23, 04:04 AM	#4427
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Newspaper editor Arthur Brisbane was telling his best cartoonist, Winsor McCay, that he was the second-greatest cartoonist in the world. A reporter standing nearby, his curiosity aroused, asked Brisbane who was first. “I don’t know,” replied Brisbane. “But it sure keeps McCay on his toes.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-08-23, 04:54 AM	#4428
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,978 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I am not saying that I am ugly But the last time I went to see my proctologist he stuck his finger in my mouth __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-08-23, 05:06 AM	#4429
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-08-23, 09:23 AM	#4430
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,978 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I am not saying that my girlfriend is fat But when she wears high heels, she strikes oil __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-08-23, 09:59 AM	#4431
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	While I was making farewell visits before moving to a new parish, an elderly member of the congregation paid me the compliment of suggesting that my successor would not be as good as I had been. “Nonsense,” I replied, flattered. “No, really,” she insisted. “I’ve lived here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-08-23, 08:22 PM	#4432
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,978 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Growing up, I never knew my ladder Only my step-ladder. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-09-23, 05:09 AM	#4433
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her way. Second, let her have it.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-09-23, 07:43 AM	#4434
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Phoning a patient, the doctor says, “I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live.” “That is bad news,” the patient replies. “What could be worse?” The doctor answers, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-09-23, 12:39 PM	#4435
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,978 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Sucks growing old. Everything slows down Last year, I visited Mexico and got a bad case of the walks. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-10-23, 06:03 AM	#4436
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident to find a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?” “How should I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-10-23, 01:14 PM	#4437
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The young father took a seat on the bus next to an elderly man and plopped his one-year-old on his lap, just as the little boy began to cry and fidget. “That child is spoiled, isn’t he?” the old man remarked. “No,” said the dad. “They all smell this way.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-11-23, 05:35 AM	#4438
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. “Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.” I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-11-23, 10:13 AM	#4439
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Hillbilly Moms Letter Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so dont know if you are an Aunt or Uncle??? Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one. Love, Mom P.S. - I was going to send you some spending money, but I had already sealed the envelope and mailed it. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)