The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. “Nora,” she said to her veteran servant, “for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive.”

Nora’s face lit up. “Thank you, ma’am,” she replied. “I’ve been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years.”

[magic452]

Two nuns snuck out of the convent one Friday night, went to a nearby tavern, and both got totally soused!


About 3:00 in the morning they returned to the convent and proceeded to try to climb over the tall metal fence surrounding the building.

As one nun was trying to help the other over the fence, she giggled and remarked "I feel like a Marine!"

The second replied "Yeah, me too! But where are we going to find one at this time of night?"


Magic

[Platapus]

My wife is a real screamer during sex


You should have heard her when I unexpectedly walked in on her.

[Jimbuna]

Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. “Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one,” says one of the eggs.

“Sorry,” the barman replies. “We don’t serve breakfast.”

[Jimbuna]

NBC’s Moscow correspondent Irving R. Levine heard a Russian greet a friend with: “Have you heard? Pravda is running a contest for the best political joke. The first prize is 20 years.”

[Jimbuna]

At a Hollywood wedding reception, one woman remarked how lovely the star looked as a bride, and another said sweetly, “Oh, she always does. She’s thrown a bridal bouquet often enough to have pitched a nine-inning game.”

[Jimbuna]

Two Hollywood children of oft-divorced parents got into an argument. As it became more heated, one said, “My father can lick your father.”

“Are you kidding?” cried the other. “Your father is my father!”

[Jimbuna]

My husband was building shelves in our bedroom and, intending to continue his work the next day, left some tools on my dresser, including a hammer, screwdriver, and chisel.

The following morning, while I was in front of the dresser combing my hair, my teenage daughter walked in.

“Hi, Mom,” she said, taking a look at the dresser. “Fixing your face?”

[Jimbuna]

When my brother began his psychiatric practice, his first patient was a particularly good-looking young woman. My brother motioned for her to lie down on the couch, but the woman hesitated until he reassured her that it was part of the therapy procedure. Once on the couch, she smoothed her dress around her legs and began to relax a bit.

“Now then,” he asked, “how did your trouble begin?”

“Just like this,” she said.

[Platapus]

Why I hated studying biology in school


Jellyfish - Not a fish

Silverfish - Not a fish
Hagfish - Not a fish
Starfish - Not a fish
Cuttlefish - Not a fish
Devilfish - Not a fish
Crayfish - Not a fish


Seahorse - is a fish

[Jimbuna]

At our weekly alumni meetings, the football coach shows the film of the most recent game and holds a question-and-answer period afterward. One of the alumni, who had played on the football team many years ago and had a son on this year’s squad, posed a question concerning the defensive line. “I’d like to know,” he said, “why our boys are so slow getting into the opposition’s backfield after the ball is snapped.”

“Gosh, I’m not sure, Fred,” answered the coach. “But it could be hereditary.”

[Jimbuna]

A reporter covering the Iowa State Legislature proceedings wore light summer shoes on a day when it snowed, and the following day—a pleasant, dry one—he wore overshoes. A legislator asked him about it. “It’s the effect of being around government,” he replied. “I am now prepared for yesterday.”

[Jimbuna]

One day a man showed up at the office wearing a pair of new shoes made of turtle skin. When a co-worker asked him how he liked them, he replied thoughtfully, “Well, they’re the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever worn but I do have one unusual problem with them. It took me an hour and a half to walk out of the store.”

[Jimbuna]

“My son had to give up his career because of fallen arches.”

“He’s an athlete?”

“No—an architect.”

[Jimbuna]

One day in early fall a class of second-graders was discussing “What I want to be when I grow up.” The teacher received the usual replies—a fireman, a nurse. Then she asked a youngster deep in thought what he would like to be someday. He looked up with a frown and replied, “I don’t even know what I want to be for Halloween yet!”