The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.

No pun in ten did.

[Jimbuna]

What does a house wear?

Address!

[Jimbuna]

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

[Jimbuna]

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.

[Jimbuna]

Why were they called the “dark ages?”

Because there were a lot of knights.

[Jimbuna]

. Want to hear a joke about a roof?

The first one’s on the house.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.

[Jimbuna]

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?

The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

[Jimbuna]

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.

[Jimbuna]

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans.

[Jimbuna]

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.

Clooney says, “I’ll direct.”

DiCaprio says, “I’ll act.”

McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?

The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.

[Jimbuna]

What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.

[Jimbuna]

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.