The joke thread II

[magic452]

A Dad and is teenage son happen to walk down the condom aisle in the drug store. The teenager says to his dad, "We learned about condoms in our sex education class at high school" The son looks at the various condoms for sale and asks his dad, "Why are there three packs and six packs of condoms in the store?" Dad says, "Well the three packs are for high school kids, one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday. The six packs are for college kids, two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The teenager then sees a twelve pack of condoms and asks about them. Dad answers, "Those are for married people, one for January, one for February, one for..."




Magic

[Platapus]

How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps?



You slowly get over it.

[Jimbuna]

I was administering an achievement test to David, a precocious six-year-old, and I began by asking him when his birthday was.

“February 20,” was his quick response.

Next I asked him, “What year, David?”

He looked at me quizzically at first and then hit upon the obvious answer. “Every year,” he said.

[Platapus]

I ordered a chicken and an egg online.



I'll let you know.

[Jimbuna]

“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her way. Second, let her have it.”

[Platapus]

What state is known for its small drinks?



Minnesota.

[Jimbuna]

Phoning a patient, the doctor says, “I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live.”

“That is bad news,” the patient replies. “What could be worse?”

The doctor answers, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

[Jeff-Groves]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.
Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.
As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her.
She went down and found the stranger waiting.
Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

[Platapus]

Why do melons have weddings?



They cantaloupe!

[Jimbuna]

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident to find a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”

“How should I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”

[Platapus]

I asked my dog what's two minus two.



He said nothing.

[Jimbuna]

“First, the doctor told me the good news. He said that I was going to have a disease named after me.”

[Jeff-Groves]

Bob and Jim were out fishing, mostly in silence, when Bob suddenly spoke up.

“Think I might divorce my wife. She hasn’t talked to me in two months,” he said.

Jim looked up, nodded, reeled in his line and cast again.

Then he turned to Bob and said, “Careful. Women like her are hard to find.”

[Jeff-Groves]

Two Ladies meet in the afterlife:

1st woman:
Hi. Wanda!

2nd woman:
Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman:
I froze to death.

2nd woman:
How horrible!

1st woman:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful
death. What about you?

2nd woman:
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the
act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman:
I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran
up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I
went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in
the freezer--we'd both still be alive.

[Platapus]

If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef?