The joke thread II

[Platapus]

There was once a missionary preaching in a small African tribe. The people there loved him, and every day more were converted.


But one day, a white baby was born to one of the women in the tribe. The chief immediately sent for the missionary and demanded to know why he had broken the commandments he had so lovingly taught to his people.


The missionary, having been a devout Christian his entire life, asked to see the child. Upon viewing the baby, it became clear that this baby was an albino.


The missionary attempted to explain this to the chief, saying:
“Chief, this child suffers from a condition of the skin which changed its color to white. As an example, look upon your flocks of sheep. All are white, except for one which is black.”


The chief cuts him off, saying:
“Ok, I won’t tell about the baby if you don’t tell about the sheep.”

[Jimbuna]

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler so the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

[Platapus]

My wife tells people that I am the umbrella in her life.




Whenever she is under me, she doesn't get wet.

[Jimbuna]

Little catholic boy asked the priest "do you mind if I play the organ this week?" And the priest replied "not at all."

[Platapus]

A guy was walking to a bar. On his way, he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.



He untied her, and he ends up having sex with her.


The guy gets to the bar, and his friends ask why he’s so late. He tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they tried out.


The friends give him props and ask if he got head.



The guy replies: No, I couldn’t find it.

[Jimbuna]

A man is walking through a graveyard when he sees another man squatting next to a grave. "Morning!" he calls out. "No, just taking a sh!t!"

[Platapus]

My wife treats me like a god.


She usually ignores me until she wants something.

[Jimbuna]

Firefighters in London were called to assist hospital staff when a man's genital became trapped in a spanner. A hospital spokesman said the patient took a turn for the worse.

[Platapus]

Why shouldn't blind people skydive?


Because it scares the hell out of their dogs

[Jimbuna]

What do women and modern computers have in common? Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy.

[Platapus]

An American tourist in the UK is trying to pick up women in a bar.


“Hey, are you girls from England?”


“It’s Wales!”


“Oh, I’m sorry. Are you whales from England?”

[Jimbuna]

Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.

[Platapus]

Did you hear that people in Dubai don’t like The Flintstones?


But the people in Abu Dhabi Do!

[Jimbuna]

"My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her."

[Jimbuna]

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”