The joke thread II

[Platapus]

King Charles has authorized a new Royal Ceremony that the Guards’ regiments will perform anytime that Prince Harry is in the country.
It will be called “The Changing of the Locks.”

[magic452]

A guy comes home from work and is met by his wife who is crying hysterically. She tells him she called the drug store for advice and the phone just kept ringing and when the pharmacist finally picked up, he didn't answer her question and actually crudely insulted her. The husband gets back in his car and goes to the drug store but before he can confront him the pharmacist says let me explain what happened.

"My alarm didn't go off this morning so being late I skipped breakfast, jumped in my car and left home. Because I was late I got stopped for speeding and had to wait for the officer to write the ticket. When I got going again I got a flat tire three blocks from the store.
When I got here a number of people were waiting and the phone is ringing. I had to take care of the people who were here first and while hurrying to fill their orders I spilled several bottles of bills and the damn phone is still ringing.
When I finally picked up the phone it was your wife who asked for directions on how to use the rectal thermometer.

All I did was tell her."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

One Sunday, a minister played hooky from church so he could shoot a round of golf. St. Peter, looking down from Heaven, seethed. “You’re going to let him get away with this, God?”

The Lord shook his head.

The minister took his first shot. The ball soared through the air 420 yards and dropped into the cup for a hole in one. St. Peter was outraged. “I thought you were going to punish him!”

The Lord shrugged. “Who’s he going to tell?”

[Jimbuna]

I’d offered to drive my mother-in-law to the doctor’s. But when I arrived at her house, I found her gossiping away with a neighbor.

“Mom, we’ve got to go,” I interjected, but she couldn’t hear me over the chatter. “Mom!” I repeated as I pulled her away.

“Sorry, but I didn’t know what to do,” she said, getting into the car. “That woman wouldn’t stop listening to me.”

[Jimbuna]

I was already a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery. It didn’t help matters when the admitting nurse absent-mindedly asked me, “Have you had a hysterectomy before?”

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the sale at the Lego store?


People were lined up for blocks

[Jimbuna]

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” he says.

“Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

[Jimbuna]

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.

“Not much of a man, was he?” says one of the bikers.

“Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

[Jimbuna]

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.

“Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!”

“Great,” said Ned. “What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Sunday.”

[Platapus]

King Charles decided to start walking, and every day, he would pass a hooker on the same street corner.


As he approached her, he learned to brace himself for what was almost guaranteed to happen.


“A hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d exclaim. “No! “Five pounds!” he whispered from the corner of his mouth, simply to silence her.


This ritual between him and the hooker became routine. “One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d yell. He’d respond by yelling back. “Five pounds!”


One of these days, Camilla agreed to join her husband for a walk, and as they approached the hooker’s region, he felt more nervous than normal. She was, indeed, standing there. He avoided eye contact as she watched the couple pass.


Then, the hooker yelled, “See what you get for five pounds, you cheap bastard!”

[Jimbuna]

As the hedge fund manager gets out of his brand-new Porsche, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door. “My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined!” he screams.

A police officer on the scene shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe you,” he says. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you didn’t even realize your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”

The hedge fund manager looks down in absolute horror. “Oh, no!” he cries. “My Rolex!”

[Platapus]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.


They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes ..... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:....

"Didn't feel a thing."

[Jimbuna]

The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you should do if your parachute malfunctions. We had just gotten to the part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand.

“If the main parachute malfunctions,” he said, “how long do we have to deploy the reserve?”

Looking the trooper square in the face, the instructor replied, “The rest of your life.”

[Jimbuna]

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest.

“Throw away 250 resumes?” I asked, shocked. “What if the best candidates are in there?”

“You have a point,” he said. “But then again, I don’t need people with bad luck around here.”

[Platapus]

Do you know why, when King Charles farts, that no one notices?


Because Noble Gases cause no reaction.