The Hollywood History of the Second World War

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Warning: The contents of this article may be offensive to anyone who can't take a joke.

World War II began in earnest in September 1939 when Germany attacked Poland, a small agrarian nation in Eastern Europe. While the Polish cavalry fought boldly, they eventually succumbed to the Nazi invader’s insidious "march in backwards and pretend we’re leaving" strategy. Over the next six years, millions of Poles were massacred or sent to death camps and villages were burnt. Poland lost a larger percentage of it’s population than any other nation. This is absolutely hilarious for some reason.

Shortly after the devastating defeat of Poland, France surrendered and agreed to abandon it’s womanhood to the Germans. This defeat was not in vain, for a massive underground resistance sprung up within months. By mid-1941 it was not uncommon for a German officer’s pleasant sidewalk cafe tete-a-tete to be rudely interrupted by a hail of submachine gun fire, usually delivered by a gorgeous blonde bedecked in a beret and a tight black sweater.

The German Luftwaffe launched it’s campaign against England in October 1940, bombing London in daylight for three months straight. The Royal Air Force was crippled in the first three weeks of the battle, but hundreds of American volunteers swelled the ranks and turned the tide. The most famous of these was Rafe McCawley, who I will discuss later. Despite valuable contributions to their defense, the first American attempt to Save England’s A*s ended in failure in February 1941, when Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain summarily rejected the Lend-Lease Act. One is reminded of the Dardanelles campaign of 1915, where thousands of Australians were sent to their deaths as the cowardly Brits sat on the beaches, drinking tea.

In response to unwarranted American provocation regarding their South Asian Resource Relocation Act of 1939, Japanese Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto decided to declare war on the United States. Yamamoto rapidly assembled a task force of futuristic American warships, and bombed the naval base at Pearl Harbor on the morning of December 7, 1941. This beautifully-choreographed attack destroyed four warships several times over, in a series of bone-rattling, awesomely spectacular explosive fireballs. Unfortunately for the Japanese, they had incited the righteous anger of Rafe McCawley, who personally destroyed four enemy aircraft during the attack.

While the American Navy was temporarily crippled, the Japanese Army was ill-prepared to face the withering defenses of the American army. The typical Japanese infantryman was small, clumsy, short-witted, half-blind, incompetent, buck-toothed, cowardly, and worst of all, Japanese. In one notorious incident, a Japanese invasion forced sailed into China backwards, and believed they were occupying America. This error played into the US’s hands in April 1942, when a small bomber force, commanded by Colonel James Doolittle, bombed Tokyo. This effectively destroyed the Japanese war industry, allowing for an unblemished series of American victories in the Pacific.

The Battle of the Atlantic continued to rage unabated in July 1942. Indestructible German U-boats, armed with atomic torpedoes, sank hundreds of merchant ships, killing thousands in machine gun massacres. The capture of U-571 and the elusive "Enigma" encoding machine by the US Navy effectively ended the U-boat war. In the Pacific, four Japanese carriers were sunk in an orgy of stock footage.

Guadacanal, a small Island west of New Guinea, was forcefully retaken by thousands of pretentious philosophy students, occasionally shooting at humble Japanese occupiers. Survivors of the battle remember the ironic juxtaposition of nature’s beauty and man’s inhumanity to man, at the same time pondering the meaning of God and Love.

In Eastern Europe, the war between Germany and the Soviet Union continued in a series of small, yet violent skirmishes. In December 1942, a two-man sniper duel resulted in the destruction of the German Sixth Army. While the Wehrmacht was in disarray, the Soviet Union began it’s slow advance towards Berlin. In retaliation, Nazi factories produced their one millionth stormtrooper in February 1943.

May 1943 saw a confrontation between two military masterminds. Gravel-voiced General George Patton read German General Erwin Rommel’s book in November 1941. While a bastard, and a magnificent one at that, Rommel had no countermeasure to Patton’s twin pearl-handled revolvers. Having swept the Nazis off the African continent, the Americans launched a series of increasingly spectacular commando raids on mainland Germany. The first of these raids resulted in over 500 German casualties, while the second killed over 250 German officers, along with most of their girlfriends.

After saving England’s A*s a second time in March 1944, the American army invaded Normandy in Northern France. This marked America’s first near defeat in the war, with most of the invasion force reduced to hamburger and flying limbs. Confident in total victory, namby-pamby British Field Marshall Bernard Montgomery began the supremely ill-advised Operation Market Garden. This incompetent, daffy-minded mission resulted in the deaths of thousands of Americans and a score of Polacks.

Thankfully, by the end of 1944, the German Army was nearly defeated. They had resorted to using captured American tanks, while infantrymen remained incapable of hitting barn doors from 50 feet away. Germany’s counteroffensive began in vain on December 9th, 1944. The resulting "Battle of the Bulge" was fought on the dry plains of Eastern France. The Americans eventually won the battle by covering the enemy tanks with gasoline and lighting them on fire. Germany surrendered in May 1945, after Rafe McCawley shot Adolph Hitler in his underground bunker.

On August 6th, 1945, America dropped an Atomic Bomb on Hiroshima, ending the war. This is frequently criticized as the only "un-nice" thing done by the Americans during the war. Sometime after this, the Soviet Union stopped being nice, Franklin Roosevelt died, and Italy was invaded. Little information on these events is available. Nonetheless, the world was safe and peaceful once more.

Any discussion of the Second World War would be incomplete without further discussion of heroic, chisel-jawed American aviator Rafe McCawley. McCawley destroyed a bonus German Air Force in mid-1941 under the auspices of a Canadian volunteer. He was shot down over the English Channel, but was smuggled into Pearl Harbor by the French resistance just in time for the Japanese attack. McCawley participated in the Doolittle Raid, killing scores of Japanese soldiers with his .45 after crash-landing in China.

Seeking revenge for the death of his good friend Danny Walker, McCawley joined the Marines. At Saipan, he demolished seven Japanese machine gun bunkers with his Thompson submachine gun. At Iwo Jima, he rescued 7,000 doe-eyed orphans from a POW camp, shooting hundreds of explosive-tipped arrows at the Japanese, singing The Star Spangled Banner and juggling a bowling ball at the same time.

He was captured at Okinawa and transferred to a POW camp in Hiroshima, Japan. He survived the atomic bombing, though the radiation transformed him into a hideous, fire-breathing, 400-foot tall reptile. McCawley marched on Tokyo, destroying the city entirely. Only the intervention of Dr. Serizawa-hakase and his Oxygen Destroyer defeated McCawley before he could destroy the world. A tragic ending to a great hero.