The joke thread II - Page 302

Platapus · 08-04-23, 04:00 PM

Why did the physics teacher and the mathematics teacher split up?

There was no Chemistry in the relationship

Jimbuna · 08-05-23, 04:46 AM

What are shark’s two most favorite words?
Man overboard!

Jimbuna · 08-05-23, 05:00 AM

Can February march?
No, but April may.

Jeff-Groves · 08-05-23, 08:05 AM

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops…

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this terrible story?”

“Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking!"

Jimbuna · 08-05-23, 11:06 AM

How do trees get online?
They just log on!

Platapus · 08-05-23, 06:26 PM

What is black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?

Doberman

Jimbuna · 08-06-23, 06:51 AM

Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.

Jimbuna · 08-06-23, 10:56 AM

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"
“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."

Jimbuna · 08-07-23, 05:43 AM

Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
He was outstanding in his field!

Jimbuna · 08-08-23, 05:14 AM

What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon?
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

Catfish · 08-08-23, 06:00 AM

A dutch and a german passenger sit next to each other, in a plane.
The german wants to take off his shoes to feel more comfortable and asks the dutch whether he would mind, and the dutch says "No problem."

Some minutes later the dutch asks the german whether he could let him through to the central aisle, to get a coke. The german politely answers "No problem, I will get the Coke for you" and leaves.

Next the dutch takes a shoe and spits into it.
The german comes back and hands the dutch his coke, and nothing much happens until the plane prepares to land.

Putting on his shoes the german instantly feels what had happened and says:
"Is this still so bad between our people, can't we finally have some peace and live together in harmony! Without spitting in each others shoes, and peeing in Cokes?"

Jimbuna · 08-08-23, 09:57 AM

How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?
It is either one or the udder!

Platapus · 08-08-23, 05:45 PM

My wife was upset at me because I didn't buy her flowers

After 20 years of marriage, in all honesty, I never knew that she sold flowers.

Jimbuna · 08-09-23, 05:03 AM

What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint!

Jimbuna · 08-09-23, 12:41 PM

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!

08-04-23, 04:00 PM	#4516
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,983 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Why did the physics teacher and the mathematics teacher split up? There was no Chemistry in the relationship __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

08-05-23, 04:46 AM	#4517
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,352 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What are shark’s two most favorite words? Man overboard! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-05-23, 05:00 AM	#4518
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,352 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Can February march? No, but April may. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-05-23, 11:06 AM	#4520
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,352 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	How do trees get online? They just log on! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-05-23, 06:26 PM	#4521
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,983 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	What is black and tan and looks good on a lawyer? Doberman __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

08-05-23, 08:05 AM	#4519
Jeff-Groves Village Idiot Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 5,366 Downloads: 131 Uploads: 0	The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left. “Janie, do you have a story to share?” “Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops… She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.” ”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this terrible story?” “Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking!"

08-06-23, 06:51 AM	#4522
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,352 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-06-23, 10:56 AM	#4523
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,352 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his: Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?" “Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." “Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name." "Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-07-23, 05:43 AM	#4524
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,352 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-08-23, 05:14 AM	#4525
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,352 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-08-23, 06:00 AM	#4526
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 16,904 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	A dutch and a german passenger sit next to each other, in a plane. The german wants to take off his shoes to feel more comfortable and asks the dutch whether he would mind, and the dutch says "No problem." Some minutes later the dutch asks the german whether he could let him through to the central aisle, to get a coke. The german politely answers "No problem, I will get the Coke for you" and leaves. Next the dutch takes a shoe and spits into it. The german comes back and hands the dutch his coke, and nothing much happens until the plane prepares to land. Putting on his shoes the german instantly feels what had happened and says: "Is this still so bad between our people, can't we finally have some peace and live together in harmony! Without spitting in each others shoes, and peeing in Cokes?" __________________ >^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong.

08-08-23, 09:57 AM	#4527
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,352 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-08-23, 05:45 PM	#4528
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,983 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	My wife was upset at me because I didn't buy her flowers After 20 years of marriage, in all honesty, I never knew that she sold flowers. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

08-09-23, 05:03 AM	#4529
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,352 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-09-23, 12:41 PM	#4530
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,352 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)