The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs. It's also their biggest import.

[Commander Wallace]

A man visit's a local brothel only to discover he can have the company of a few beautiful ladies there for the night. He enjoys their company and in the morning is told there is only a $ 5 dollar charge. The man happily pays his bill and leaves on his way.

The next week, he comes back and enjoys the company of the same ladies there for the evening. The next morning, he comes down and is presented a bill for $ 1500.00 dollars.

The customer angrily confronts the manager and asks why the bill for services rendered is so high this week when last week the services were cheap.

The manager looks in his book and say's oh, I understand, you were here on Wednesday. He further explains that on the first Wednesday of every month, the activities of it's patron's are live streamed to the premium cable channels for viewing.

[Jimbuna]

I tried to organize a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.

[Jimbuna]

Before the invention of the wheel… everything was a drag!

[Jimbuna]

Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in!

[Platapus]

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.


I got caught taking days off.

[Jimbuna]

I just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

[magic452]

You might not know this.🤔..but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere....you have to light a fire under their ***.

SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male.. Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people..

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because....over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male..... Because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male....but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying




Magic

[Jimbuna]

When's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie!

[Jimbuna]

What do you tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast!

[magic452]

Little Ole came walking up the path to the schoolhouse at about noon one day.
The teacher saw him coming and hollered "Ole Olson! Where have you been all morning?"
Ole replied "I had to take our registered bull over to the neighbors place to service one of his cows."
"Well, couldn't your father have done that?"
"I suppose so, but he ain't registered."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Today I gave my dead batteries away. They were free of charge.

[Jimbuna]

I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.

[Jimbuna]

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

[magic452]

A man is laying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask covering his nose and mouth when a nurse comes in to give him a sponge bath. He asks her something which she doesn't understand due to the mask. He speaks louder and she hears him say, "Are my testicles black?" The nurse tells him she can't answer that because she is only to give him the sponge bath. She again hears him say to her, "I have to know if my testicles are black." Again the nurse won't answer the question. He keeps repeating the question and she gets frustrated and finally lifts up his hospital gown and begins to check his testicles. The man sits up in bed, rips off the oxygen mask and yells, "What are you doing, I just want to know if my test results are back!"


Magic