The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Dr. Smith asks his patient, "Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"

The patient replies, "Give me the good news."

Dr. Smith says, "You're about to have a disease named after you."

[Jimbuna]

A guy suffering from a miserable cold begs his doctor for relief. The doctor prescribes pills. But after a week, the guy's still sick. So the doctor gives him a shot. But that doesn't help his condition either.

"Okay, this is what I want you to do," says the doctor on the third visit. "Go home and take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"I'll get pneumonia!" protests the patient.

"I know. That I can cure."

[Platapus]

I am worried about my girlfriend, I have not seen her in a while.
She is an airline flight attendant and the last time I saw her was when I dropped her off at the airport in Helsinki


It is like she disappeared in finnair

[Jimbuna]

As I left my office at the National Cancer Institute, I passed one of our researchers by the front door puffing away on a cigarette.
"How can you smoke when you, of all people, know the harm caused by cigarettes?" I asked.
He took another draw, exhaled, and replied through the smoke, "Because it gives me more motivation to find a cure."

[Platapus]

I guess it is too late to post Suez Canal jokes.


I mean, that ship has already sailed.

[Platapus]

Upon reflection, I can see myself working in a mirror factory one day.

[Jimbuna]

When a rich businessman began to choke on a fish bone at a restaurant, a doctor seated at a nearby table sprang up, performed the Heimlich maneuver, and saved his life.

"Thank you, thank you!" said the businessman. "Please, I insist on paying you. Just name the fee."

"Okay," said the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

[Jimbuna]

One day in a pediatric clinic a young patient was given a urine sample container and told to fill it up in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned to the nurses station with an empty cup.

"I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."

[Platapus]

Never pay full price for a dog
After all, a bargain dog never bites

[Jimbuna]

Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.

"Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub."

"I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest."

"No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug."

[Catfish]

^ and the final sentence
"Do you want a room with a view?"

[Jimbuna]

^

[Platapus]

I once knew this girl who could not stop counting
I wonder what she is up to these days?

[Platapus]

Due to COVID, there will be no spectators allowed at our next fly fishing event.


But it will be live streamed.

[Platapus]

I don't like things that are Politically Incorrect.


Other than the fact that I think Benjamin Franklin was the best president we ever had.