The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Bob: "Have you seen the movie Constipation?"
Jim: "No, it hasn't come out yet."

[Platapus]

Everyone had a good time at our autopsy club meeting


It was open Mike night

[Platapus]

I had a crush on this girl who had a lazy eye


She would not even look at me.

[Jimbuna]

A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says, "I'll be darned." A local pastor heard him and said, "You should not say that. Next time your wheel falls off say, 'Praise the Lord.'" So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and the wheel falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says, "Praise the Lord." The wheel stops rolling, turns around, rolls back up the hill and puts itself back on the wagon. The young boy being very surprised by this exclaims, "I'll be darned!"

[Jimbuna]

Lady: "Is this my train?"
Station Master: "No, it belongs to the railway company."
Lady: "Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New York."
Station Master: "No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy."

[Jimbuna]

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn't believe it when I rode pasta.

[Jimbuna]

An uneducated father with his educated son went camping
they set up a tent and slept
father gets up after some time and asks his son"what can you see in the sky?"
son:i can see many stars
father:what does it resemble?
son:there are many planets
father beats on his sons head and says "Someone has stolen our tent"

[Jimbuna]

Q: If an electric train is traveling north-by-northeast at 59 MPH, and the wind is blowing west at 18 MPH, which way is the smoke blowing?
A: There is no smoke; it's an electric train.

[Jimbuna]

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers. "Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk." "You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate. "And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first. Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined $10. They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined $20." "Hey," protested the first, "When I was in was in chair I only fined you $10!" "Yes," said the second judge, "But the offence is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning."

[Catfish]

Don't know whether my translation is any good, but ..

The doctor tells the pregnant woman and husband that there is a new technique to take away some of the pain from the wife during birthing, transferring the pain to the father.
The couple looks at each other and the man says "Sure, let's do that!"
The doctor asks whether he really wants since the pain can be really bad, but the man still wants to try it.
So the new technique is being applied, and the woman gives birth to a beautiful baby without feeling much pain, the man sits motionless.
Asked whether he did not feel any pain the man just says "No really, it was ok!". Going home, on the threshold of their house they find the dead postman.

[Platapus]

I intend to use an fake ID to get my COVID shot


Probably won't work


But it is worth a shot

[Platapus]

Why do astronauts use Unix in their space crafts?


Everyone knows that it is a bad idea to open Windows in space

[Platapus]

ME: Doctor, I think I addicted to Twitter


Doc: I am sorry, I don't follow you

[Jimbuna]

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in. It's cold outside.