The joke thread II - Page 108

Jimbuna · 03-08-20, 07:10 AM

Asked a librarian the other day if she had any books about paranoia.

She whispered: “They’re right behind you.”

Jimbuna · 03-08-20, 07:12 AM

Just seen at idiot in my local gym putting a bottle of water into the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Jimbuna · 03-09-20, 08:39 AM

Heard on the radio today that bad drivers are gonna be getting £100 fines. Seems a bit sexist.

Jimbuna · 03-09-20, 08:41 AM

A recent study has found that women who carry a bit of extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Jimbuna · 03-10-20, 02:44 PM

The worst part about getting fired from my job at the unemployment office was that I still had to show up the next day.

Jimbuna · 03-10-20, 02:55 PM

Took a girl home last night and I accidentally said ‘how’s your daddy’ instead of ‘who’s your daddy’. We spent 2 hours talking about her dad’s cholesterol.

Jimbuna · 03-11-20, 07:18 AM

It looks like food banks are just as corrupt as normal banks. I deposited a pack of biscuits at my food bank last week and when I went to collect them today they told me they had gone.

Jimbuna · 03-11-20, 07:24 AM

You know you’re a bad driver when your SatNav says “In 400 yards, please stop the car and let me out”.

Jimbuna · 03-12-20, 07:19 AM

Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites.

1. Cats are covered in body hair.
2. Cats don’t listen.
3. Cats don’t come in when you call.
4. Cats stay out all night.
5. Cats like to be left alone and sleep all day.

Jimbuna · 03-12-20, 07:23 AM

Just read an article about the top 100 things to do before you die. Was quite surprised that screaming “HELP ME!!” didn’t make the list.

Jimbuna · 03-13-20, 08:35 AM

Phone rings at 2am.

Husband: Hello, who is this? How the hell do I know I’m not a weather man! *slams phone down*
Wife: Who was that honey?
Husband: Just some guy asking if the coast was clear tonight.

Jimbuna · 03-13-20, 08:42 AM

I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand….. It’s 7.

Jimbuna · 03-14-20, 09:55 AM

Just heard on the radio that a lot of women are turning into good drivers. So, if you’re a good driver, watch out for turning women!

Jimbuna · 03-14-20, 10:00 AM

Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him. Today the judge gave me 20 years, problem solved.

Platapus · 03-15-20, 05:54 AM

The World Health Organization confirmed that it was they who authorized the end of COVID19 quarantines for dogs and that they are now allowed to go outside.

I was wondering about that.

03-08-20, 07:10 AM	#1606
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Asked a librarian the other day if she had any books about paranoia. She whispered: “They’re right behind you.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-08-20, 07:12 AM	#1607
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just seen at idiot in my local gym putting a bottle of water into the Pringles holder on the treadmill. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-09-20, 08:39 AM	#1608
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Heard on the radio today that bad drivers are gonna be getting £100 fines. Seems a bit sexist. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-09-20, 08:41 AM	#1609
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A recent study has found that women who carry a bit of extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-10-20, 02:44 PM	#1610
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The worst part about getting fired from my job at the unemployment office was that I still had to show up the next day. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-10-20, 02:55 PM	#1611
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Took a girl home last night and I accidentally said ‘how’s your daddy’ instead of ‘who’s your daddy’. We spent 2 hours talking about her dad’s cholesterol. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-11-20, 07:18 AM	#1612
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	It looks like food banks are just as corrupt as normal banks. I deposited a pack of biscuits at my food bank last week and when I went to collect them today they told me they had gone. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-11-20, 07:24 AM	#1613
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	You know you’re a bad driver when your SatNav says “In 400 yards, please stop the car and let me out”. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-12-20, 07:19 AM	#1614
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites. 1. Cats are covered in body hair. 2. Cats don’t listen. 3. Cats don’t come in when you call. 4. Cats stay out all night. 5. Cats like to be left alone and sleep all day. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-12-20, 07:23 AM	#1615
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just read an article about the top 100 things to do before you die. Was quite surprised that screaming “HELP ME!!” didn’t make the list. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-13-20, 08:35 AM	#1616
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Phone rings at 2am. Husband: Hello, who is this? How the hell do I know I’m not a weather man! slams phone down Wife: Who was that honey? Husband: Just some guy asking if the coast was clear tonight. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-13-20, 08:42 AM	#1617
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand….. It’s 7. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-14-20, 09:55 AM	#1618
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just heard on the radio that a lot of women are turning into good drivers. So, if you’re a good driver, watch out for turning women! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-14-20, 10:00 AM	#1619
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him. Today the judge gave me 20 years, problem solved. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-15-20, 05:54 AM	#1620
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,983 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	The World Health Organization confirmed that it was they who authorized the end of COVID19 quarantines for dogs and that they are now allowed to go outside. I was wondering about that. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.