KRAP Movies....The Hunt for Phil's Red Herring.

[kaptkirkU4467]

Охота для Phil' отвлекающий маневр s.

The Hunt for Phil's Red Herring.

*Based on the book "The Hunt for Red October" by Tom Clancy".*


1996,near the Koala Bear peninsula..Soviet Union.

Tofu class nuclear ballistic missile submarine, Red Herring, heading out for sea trials.

Captain Phil turned his collar up,the cold wind whipping across the sail,his first officer,OddBall'ski..turned to him.
"Ship is ready to dive Captain...jezz Louise its cold up here."
Phil turned to go down the ladder,"Cold...yes it is."

Down in the nav station...
Phil leaned over the chart table,"Set a course for Thor's Toes,then down the Hershey Highway to Cuba."
OddBall'ski:The americanskis have a carrier near there...the Kennedy."

Phil points to the Hershey Trench,."After we exit the Hershey Highway ...we will pass through the American patrols, past their sonar nets, and lay off their largest city, and listen to their rock and roll... While we conduct missile drills."

*******
USS Dallas
688 class attack sub...

Captain Squid eyed the chart table,...his orders were to circle the exit of the Hershey Trench....and listen for a new Russian sub....

****
CIA HQ...
Jester Ryan...headed to the office of Admiral Gears.

[Capt Squid]

"Diving Officer"

Moriarty: "Diving Officer, Aye."

"Make your depth 600 feet. Helm, all ahead 1/3, steady 090."

"Diving Officer, aye." "Helm, aye."

The ship heeled over and pitched down into the inky depths. The quartermaster duly recorded the orders and annotated the charts. Meanwhile, in the sonar shack...

Petty Officer Game, Crap to his friends, was jamming to some Tchaikowsky while listening to whale farts and trying to teach his new seaman, Kirk, how to recognize other ships and biologics in the depths. "You see, Seaman Kirk, listening is what sonar is all about. You have to have a .... wait, shhhhhh." as he clamped his headset to his ears. "Conn, Sonar. I've a contact, designated Sierra One." "Crap! Are you sure?" "Conn, Sonar, Aye. I distinctly heard Roll Over, Bethoven on the equipment."

[kaptkirkU4467]

Red Herring...

Captain Phil sat at the mess table with his first watch..

"We can not turn back...we must now head to America."
OddBallski:" I would like to see Montana..."
Phil sat his glass down,:"Theres nothing in Montana..."

OddBallski:" I will live in Montana. And I will marry a round American woman and raise hamsters, and she will cook them for me. And I will have a pickup truck... Maybe even a "recreational vehicle." And drive from state to state. Do they let you do that? "

Captain Phill:" I suppose....but they don't have roads in Montana..and it snows all year long."
OddBallski:"Well then,I will live in... Arizona...do they have roads there?"

Phill.." I suppose."

Captain Phil keyed the intercom,"Nav...this is the Captain,make a 360 deg turn to clear our baffles and prepare to engage the Centipede Silent Drive in 30 minutes."

"Captain,..this is the Nav station..port or starboard turn sir?"

Phill:"I dont know...flip a coin."

[Capt Squid]

At the Naval High Command in Freezeyurbuttski, the Admiral arrived in his fancy stretch Lada limousine.

"Admiral Gstewskaya, I have your mail on the desk. Would you like some tea?"

"No, today I would like some ... Hot Chocolate." Then, he started reading his stack of letters. About halfway down, he came across a hand-written envelope from his old friend, Captain First Rank Philovich.

Slicing open the envelope, GStewskaya took a healthy swallow of Hot Chocolate, which, by now, was drinkable. After the first paragraph, the "Hot" Chocolate sprayed out as his face turned a bright crimson. "Commander Steveski! Get me Captain Second Rank Torplexedov!"

"Sir?"

"Captain Philovich has STOLEN the Red Herring! And I just had a killer Home Theatre installed! My insurance rates will go through the roof!"

[kaptkirkU4467]

USS Dallas..

Petty Officer Crap:" Conn, sonar! Crazy Neal!"
Captain Squid: All stop! Quick quiet!

Kirk: "What's goin' on? "
Crap: Russian captains sometime turn suddenly to see if anyone's behind them. We call it "Crazy Neal." The only thing you can do is go dead. Shut everything down and make like a hole in the water.

Kirk: So what's the catch?
Crap: "The catch is, a boat this big doesn't exactly stop on a dime... and if we're too close, we'll drift right into the back of him.
Kirk: And thats not good, right near the Hearshey Highway..."
***
Red Herring...

Captain Phil keyed the all ship MC,:"A great day comrades, we sail into history!
It reminds me of the heady days of Spudnik and Huey, Dewey, and Yuri.. when the world trembled at the sound of our rockets. Now they will tremble again - at the sound of our silence.
The order is: engage the Centipede Silent Drive!

OddBallski: :Sir...can we sing a song?"

Captain Phil tighted his seat belt,:"Sure...how about ..Ice Ice Baby...I always liked that one."

[Capt Squid]

Oddballski: "Sir, I was thinking something on the order of "The Tipperary Song." It's the only one we know."

Philovich: "Wasn't that done in another submarine movie?"

O: "Where do you think we learned the words?"

P: "Very well. The Tipperary Song it is. <sigh>"

============================

USS Dallas:

Kirk: "CRAP! I thought I just heard some singing."

Crap: <listening closely> "You're right! Conn, Sonar, the contact is singing!"

CS: "What song? I'm partial to Yellow Submarine."

C: "No, sir, it's The Tipperary Song."

CS: "Wasn't that done on another submarine movie?"

===================================

Meanwhile, Captain Second Rank Torplexedov was berating his chief engineer, Moriartyonovich, for more speed.

M: "Sirrrrrrrr! I kenna gie her no more! She's gie us all she's got!"

T: "Can the Commander Montgomery Scott imitation. We've got to catch up with the Red Herring. The Admiral want's his Home Theatre back."

M: "What imitation, Sirrrrrrrrr? Monty's me kin."

[kaptkirkU4467]

USS Dallas:

"Con,Sonar..I've lost the sounds from Sahara 1.."

Kirk reaches over to tune the sonar set...

Crapgame:"Don't touch that..it will overload the input to the headsets."

Kirk:"We've got to risk implosion. We may explode into the biggest fireball this part of the galaxy has seen, but we've got to take that one in a million chance.


Crapgame took off his headphones,"You really need to ease up on the coffee Seamen Kirk."
***********
USS Kennedy.
Admirals Flag room.

[Jester Ryan,in a Cub Scout uniform, exits after meeting the Admiral and Captain of the carrier]
Admiral Painter: You think he's crazy?
Captain Davenport: Certifiable. And no matter what his credentials, I don't care for him wearing the uniform.
Admiral Painter: You see that ring on his finger? Its a Green Lantern decoder,from a Crackerjacks box,....
Captain Davenport: You're kidding! How did you know...
Admiral Painter: I have one to.

[Capt Squid]

Meanwhile, back at the Octagon, the Joint Chiefs were meeting in the Cone of Silence.

Marines: "What is Ryan up to now?"

Navy: "What?"

Army: "Whose idea was this Cone?"

Navy: "WHAT???"

[Jester107th]

Jester: Admiral....you've got to get me on that sub...the Dallas.

Admiral Painter: No way son, the Dallas is way far out there. We'd have have to strip down the Sea Queen and fill her full of fuel and red shoes.

Jester: Ummm...the Sea Queen?

Admiral Painter: Yeah...normally it's a Sea King helo. However, it needed paint and we ran out of the normal stuff. All we had left was a bit of red and white...and not enough to do the whole job. So...we mixed them and now it's pink.

Jester: And the red shoes?

Admiral Painter: For good luck. We always throw in a pair each liftoff. The pilot insists. She's quite finicky about it.

Jester: She?

Admiral Painter: Commander Sharks...somethin'-or-other. I forget.

Jester: Admiral. Intel reports that the Red Herring may be trying to offload a bunch of Chucks onto American soil. Word is that they're all nuns!

Admiral Painter: All nuns?!?! Ain't NO WAY those NUN-CHUCKS are making it to America on my watch!

*lifts the phone*

Admiral Painter: CAG!! I need the Sea Queen prepped for long range PRONTO!!!

[DE Sailor]

Sheesh, sure been a long time since the last installment of this movie. Concession stand done run out of popcorn three times! And my butt's done gone numb sitting here waiting for the movie to start again!

[kaptkirkU4467]

Sea Queen,in route to the Dallas....

Pilot: Fuel status says we turn back now.


Ryan: Wait a minute. Fuel status? You have a reserve, don't you?

Pilot: Yes, sir. I've got a ten minute reserve,...Oh my stars,look, a whale!..... But I'm not allowed to invade that time except in time war,hair cut appointments or a beer run,or ...jeez I just broke a nail.


Jester Ryan: Listen, mister, if you don't get me on board that submarine, that just might be what we all will have! You got me? Now you have ten more minutes' worth of fuel, we stay here ten more minutes!

Pilot:...you need a cold beer?

Navigator: What's the matter Commander? You don't like flying, huh? Aw, this is nothing! You should've been with us five, six months ago! Whoa! You talk about puke! We ran into a hailstorm over the Sea of Japan. Everybody's retching their guts out! The pilot shot his lunch all over the windshield, and I barfed on the radio! Shorted it out completely! And it wasn't that lightweight stuff either, it was that chunky industrial weight puke!

[offers Ryan the joint he's been smoking]
Navigator: Hey dude, you want a hit?...keeps us all calm.

[Jester107th]

*Onboard the Dallas*

Jester Ryan: So Bart....may I call you Bart?

Bart De Sailormancuso: No, you may call me Captain.

Jester Ryan: OK Bart. The captain's name that we are after is called...ummm...is ... well that's not important. Anyways, I know this guy very well and have met him at a Russian Embassy dinner a few years back.

Bart De Sailormancuso: You say you know this "guy"

Jester Ryan: Yep. I know him well.

Bart De Sailormancuso: How can you know this "guy" well and not even remember his name??!

Jester Ryan: It's this metal plate in my head. Got it put in a few years back. Every time I go through a metal detector, alarms go off and I lose my memory for about 10 seconds. It's crazy. Sometimes I can even hear radio broadcasts in my head. Wild man...just wild.

Bart De Sailormancuso: Well this "guy" of yours....we've been tracking him for a while now. We had to break off contact to come pick you up.

*A petty officer delivers a message to the captain*

Bart De Sailormancuso: It seems this friend of yours is being hunted by the Russians themselves. Russians are alerting us that he has gone rogue and intends to launch missiles full of crunchy egg salad at the United States.

Jester Ryan: I HATE crunchy egg salad!

Bart De Sailormancuso: Me too....this will be one hell of a mess....

[Jester107th]

Onboward the Red Herring...

OddBall'ski: Kaptain...the chef's made a new batch of his spicy wings. His experiments with hotter-than-fire fireball spices is progressing.

Philovich: Mmmmm..I like spicy hot.

OddBall'ski: Yessir....we knew you'd enjoy.

Philovich: OK great. Let's try one.... Give me a wing OddBall'ski....one wing only please.

[Crow]

lol , you old fools will never learn