What did the Buffalo say to his son as he dropped him off at school?

Bison.

Did you hear about the new mummy they’ve discovered in Egypt? It was covered in nuts and chocolate.

They think his name was Pharaoh Rocher.

I’m on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot. I’d originally set out to find cheap car insurance, but I decided to keep my goals realistic.

I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text: “You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!” To which I replied: “8 out of 10, the word (I’ll ) requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: I was just keeping up with the traffic.
Cop: There is no traffic!
Me: I know, that’s how far behind I am.

I vowed to my wife that I would never hit her again, that I would find a job and raise my kids properly.The tears streamed down her face, this moment of joy would stick in my mind forever.
The moment when I said “April fools!” and dropped that gullible bitch to the ground.

Gets her every year!

My fat ex-girlfriend recently got a t-shirt saying, ‘I’m a maneater’…
I told her that’s not how you spell manatee!

I used to work for a Jewish carpenter.

He used to check my fingers for splinters to make sure I wasn’t stealing.

My wife said I was rude for yawning when she was shouting at me.

I told her I wasn’t yawning, I was just trying to speak.

Cool joke. I don't think we have seen that posted before.

The following conversation happened after calling the police.

Police: What’s your emergency?
Me: Two girls are fighting over me.
Police: OK and what’s the problem?
Me: The fat one is winning!

Just been fired from my job as an airline pilot for smoking weed on my first day 🙁 .

Apparently I misunderstood them when they told me to “get high” after takeoff.

Facebook should have a limit on the number of times people can change their relationship status.

After five, it ought to default to “Unstable”

Knocked on my neighbours door and just had the following conversation.

Me: Your son has just run out in front of my car, I nearly killed him!!
Neighbour: I’m so sorry, he won’t be doing it again.
Me: I know he won’t, the paramedic said he probably won’t walk again.

Life is like a game of Tetris


Your mistakes stack up



Your accomplishments quickly disappear.