I think my wife’s going deaf," Joe told their doctor.

"Try to test her hearing at home and let me know how severe her problem is before you bring her in for treatment," the doctor said.

So that evening, when his wife was preparing dinner, Joe stood 15 feet behind her and said, "What’s for dinner, honey?"

No response.

He moved to ten feet behind her and asked again.

No response.

Then he stood five feet in back of her and tried again but still got no answer. Finally, he stood directly behind her and asked, "Honey, what’s for supper?"

She turned around. "For the fourth time—I said chicken!"

Mike and Jimmy were walking home from town after a night of bar-hopping. They had no money to get a taxi and were staggering all over the place when they found themselves outside the bus depot on Danube Road.
Mike had an idea. He said to Jimmy, "Go in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and keep a watch for the police."
So Jimmy went into the garage and was gone for about twenty minutes. Mike was starting to wonder what was taking him so long.
Eventually Mike stuck his head around the door and saw Jimmy running from bus to bus and looking very worried.
"Terry! What are you doing?" Mike asked.
"I can't find a number 47 anywhere Mike," Jimmy replied. "The 47 is the only bus that stops at our house."
Mike rolled his eyes. "Ohhhh," he groaned, "How stupid can you get? It doesn't need to be a 47 for us to get home!" He walked over to a bus. "Here, we'll take this one," he said. "It's a number 25. It stops at the roundabout. We can just get off there and walk the rest of the way!"

After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate. "Father’s date of birth?" she asked. When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son’s birth?"

"No, I hadn’t thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I have a daughter who turned two a couple days before the same date."

After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

One morning a customer entered a flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife. "No card is necessary," he instructed us. "She’ll know who sent them."

The delivery truck hadn’t even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer’s wife. "Who sent the flowers?" she asked.

After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included, the matter was considered closed—but not so. A bit later, she came rushing in the front door. "You’ve got to tell me who sent the flowers," she demanded, "before my husband gets home."

My mother, a meticulous housekeeper, often lectured my father about tracking dirt into the house. One day he came in to find her furiously scrubbing away at a spot on the floor and launching into a lecture. "I don’t know what you’ve brought in," she said, "but I can’t seem to get this out."

He studied the situation for a moment and, without a word, moved a figurine on the window-sill where the sun was streaming in. The spot immediately disappeared.

I feel sorry for kids these days.


Back when I was a kid, I could take $1.00 to the corner drug store and come home with two candy bars, one soda and a comic book.


These days, there are cameras everywhere

I finally had enough.


I told my new girlfriend that if she is going to call the police every time she catches me watching her from the bushes, that I don't this relationship will work out.

If a tree falls on your ex and no one hears it


It is still a pretty good idea to hide the chain saw.

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"
Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"
Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"

I have a very good feeling about my job interview today. The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.
-
“You’ve found your man,” I responded, “whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”

My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage.

"With this ring…" I began romantically.

"We could pay off Visa," he responded.

Paddy is ploughing his field with a steamroller. Seamus says “Paddy you dont plough a field with a steamroller you dozy twit!” Paddy says “Im growing mashed potatoes you thick sod!

My husband is a big Atlanta Braves fan. When I saw an ad on television for a baseball autographed by one of his favorite players that cost $42, I rushed out and bought it for him as a gift.

That evening as we were watching television, the same commercial came on. Slyly I glanced over at my husband just as he commented, "What kind of idiot would pay $42 for a baseball?"

After his marriage broke up, my manager became very philosophical. "I guess it was in our stars," he sighed.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Her astrological sign is the one for earth. Mine is the one for water. Together we made mud."