An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, are you a real pilot ?

He replied, "well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, the early Grummans... flew a wildcat and Corsair in WWII and later in the Korea conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more that 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, you, what are you ?

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I take a shower, I think about about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think about naked women.

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot ?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'M a LESBIAN

Magic

Two crackers :haha:

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."

A man comes home and sees a note on the refrigerator from his wife. She wrote, "This isn't working. I'm at my mother's."
The man opens the fridge, the light turns on, and he says to himself, "What the hell? The fridge is working fine!"

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey. After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?" He responds by saying, "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball." Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger. Just then, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork. He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them. The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener. The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots. The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool. The man says, "Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “it's for you to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We're getting a new kitchen.”

There are three women. One is dating, one is engaged, and one is married. They decide to get kinky with their men and really pull out all the stops to make it extra special.
The woman who is dating says, “Okay, so I bought black leather, red lipstick, fishnet stockings, and really got crazy. He loved it so much he thinks he’s in love.”
The woman who is engaged says, “I showed up to his work after hours wearing only a red coat. Let’s just say he wants to move the wedding date up!”
The woman who is married says, “Okay, I really went all out. I got a babysitter for the kids, and bought a black mask and a whip. My husband gets home, goes straight to the fridge, and grabs a beer. Then he plops down on the couch and says, "Hey Batman! Where the hell is dinner?!?'"

On New Year's Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

There is a husband and a wife. The husband dies, and during the funeral, the wife starts to laugh. Everybody starts to ask her why, and she says, "This is the first time that I know where my husband is going."

A man and woman are sitting on their porch drinking a beer. The man says, "I love you."
The woman says, "Is that you talking or the beer talking?"
The man says, "That's me talking to the beer!"

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied, "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

During a bank robbery, the thief's mask slipped off. He fixed it and asked a hostage, "Did you see my face?" The hostage had, so the thief killed him. He asked the next hostage, same result. After he asked a third hostage, the guy responded, "No, but my wife did."

Imagine your son's name is Allah Akbar.

And you lose him in a mall.

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would
come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first
to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion
, Marion."

"Is that you, Bob?"


"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex
again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of
more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of
greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty
much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's
back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at
night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day
it starts all over again".

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

Magic

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”
The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in my car's glove compartment.”

A lady noticed her friend was wearing her wedding ring on the wrong finger so she asked, "Why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
Her friend replied, "Because I married the wrong man!"

The five most important qualities in a woman: one who is independent and helps around the house, one who can make you laugh, one who you can trust, one who is good in bed, and most importantly, one who should make sure these four women never meet.