How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying?







You rocket.

From an article about a hotel renovation in the Reno Gazette-Journal: “The downstairs, which will be connected to the upstairs by a spiral staircase, will have more meeting space plus food and beverage fatalities.”

What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?





A shoe.

A Stanford University professor took his young son with him on a trip across the country. One day after their return, a package was delivered with postage due. Neither the professor nor his wife had the necessary $3, but their son produced it. Surprised, his mother asked how he came to have that much money.

“Well,” he said, “Dad was awfully careless with money on our trip and nearly always left some on the table when we ate. So I just picked it up.”

Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut?



He just needed a little space.

The editor of a Vermont weekly sent to one Hiram Sparks a notice that his subscription had expired. The notice came back with the laconic scrawl: “So’s Hiram.”

What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?





Something catchy!

“I don’t think I look thirty, do you, dear?” asked the wife.

“No, darling, not now,” her husband replied. “But you used to.”

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?





Annette.

joke thread
 

Is it entirely gone, or is there another lurking somewhere?

Are You a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Here is a test that will help you decide.

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor? Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one?
Wife: You ain't taking that dang thang to the Taxidermist!

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/bjaqoUEfcyo


:Kaleun_Wink:

Second helpings:

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/RBu0C7B3oQU





:O:

Visitor to the War Department: “I have crossed a homing pigeon with a woodpecker. It not only delivers the message, it also knocks on the door.”

I started a new diet where I wear a chunk of bread on the top of my head.


I heard my doctor say something about a loaf hat being good for me.


I am not optimistic.