I was administering an achievement test to David, a precocious six-year-old, and I began by asking him when his birthday was.

“February 20,” was his quick response.

Next I asked him, “What year, David?”

He looked at me quizzically at first and then hit upon the obvious answer. “Every year,” he said.

My grandson asked me where I was born


I told him, Texas


What part?, Grandpa?


All of me.

“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her way. Second, let her have it.”

In my marriage, we have an agreement


I am in charge of all the big decisions and she is in charge of all the small decisions.


In 30 years, there has not been a need for a big decision yet.

Phoning a patient, the doctor says, “I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live.”

“That is bad news,” the patient replies. “What could be worse?”

The doctor answers, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

Before Mount Rushmore was sculptured, its beauty was....


(puts on sunglasses)


unprecedented.

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident to find a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”

“How should I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”

hen does Friday come before Thursday?





In the dictionary.

“First, the doctor told me the good news. He said that I was going to have a disease named after me.”

“Hello, Reverend Smith? This is the Internal Revenue Service. Is Samuel Jones a member of your congregation?”

“He is.”

“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”

“He will.”

Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink?





He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.

One Sunday, a minister played hooky from church so he could shoot a round of golf. St. Peter, looking down from Heaven, seethed. “You’re going to let him get away with this, God?”

The Lord shook his head.

The minister took his first shot. The ball soared through the air 420 yards and dropped into the cup for a hole in one. St. Peter was outraged. “I thought you were going to punish him!”

The Lord shrugged. “Who’s he going to tell?”

What's a zebra?





A couple sizes bigger than an A.

I’d offered to drive my mother-in-law to the doctor’s. But when I arrived at her house, I found her gossiping away with a neighbor.

“Mom, we’ve got to go,” I interjected, but she couldn’t hear me over the chatter. “Mom!” I repeated as I pulled her away.

“Sorry, but I didn’t know what to do,” she said, getting into the car. “That woman wouldn’t stop listening to me.”

I'm just curious… who was the first person to look at a split open oyster and think........

"what a nice piece of snot! I'll bet that tastes delicious!"?

Not sure but I'd bet there was a Mom yelling............


"Put that down! Oh My God!!! Did you just eat that?"