My doctor asked me if alcoholics ran in my family.


I told her, "No, they usually just stumble and bump into things"

My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying.

It seemed very important to him that I had it.

Helicopter nicknames
USAF: Birds
USA: Choppers
USN: Helos
USMC: (pointing at the sky) OHH! OHH OHOH!

To the handicapped guy who stole my bag - You can hide but you can't run.

Doctor: Bad news, you have terminal cancer and alzheimer's.

Patient: That's not so bad, I could have had cancer!

"Darling, do you think i gained weight during the quarantine?"

"To be true, you never were slim."

Time of death: 20:51 o'clock.
Cause of death: Corona.

Dentist: "You need a crown."

Patient: "Finally someone who understands me"

A guest is ordering at a restaurant, “Do you think you could bring me what that gentleman over there is having?”

The waiter looks at him sternly, “No sir, I’m very sure he intends to eat it himself.”

Husband looks at his wife in surprise, "Wow darling, you look all different and nice today! Is that a new hairdo?" - The wife hisses from behind him, "I’m over here, Arnold!"

“Waiter, the steak smells very strongly of liquor!”

The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

What’s the difference between spinach and boogers?

Kids don’t eat spinach.

A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can’t see anything.”

Recently I introduced two of my lisping friends to each other.

After a short but rough fist fight they realized that neither was mocking the other one.

Two friends are talking:

My doctor told me I must stop playing football.

What?! Is he sure? Did he examine you properly?

Not really. But he did see me playing.

Boy comes up to his father, all angry, "Dad, you remember how you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would impress the girls?"

Father looks up, smiling, "Yeah, did it work?"

The boy screams, "You could have mentioned that the potato goes in the front!"