Just had the following conversation in court.

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: Thanks, I’m outta here.

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?”
He smiles and says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.

Priest: Do you have any last requests?
Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand?

Why is it when an old person comes up to me at a wedding as says “You’re next” its somehow socially acceptable but when I do the same to them at funeral I get into trouble?

Why is it that good people are always the ones who get screwed over? The other day I gave my seat to an old lady on the bus and then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

The following conversation took place today at the hospital after the doctor told me I’ve only got 3 weeks to live.

Me: Is there nothing you can give me to help?
Doctor: Try drinking 1 litre of olive oil every day
Me: Will that cure me?
Doctor: No but it will make your cremation a lot quicker.

After the doc had examined John, he left the office to fetch the printouts, not saying a word, leaving John feeling a bit uneasy. Shortly after the doctor came back in, looked at John then said
"I am afraid I have some bad news. You only have 5 left"
John looked up in shock and half shouted "5? 5 what? Years? Months?"
"4..."

Waiter: Can I take your order sir, kids eat free today.
Me: Oh, well in that case i’ll just have a glass of water and my son will have the grilled lobster,a 15oz steak and a small bottle of champagne please.

A funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning.
Thousands of fans attended.

Went to the barbers today and asked to get my hair cut like Justin Bieber. He totally shaved my head bald. I said “What the hell have you done. Justin Bieber doesn’t have his hair cut like this!!”, the barber said “He would if he came into my shop.”

I went to the doctors earlier today with hearing problems.

He said “Can you describe the symptoms?”

I said “Homers a fat guy and Marge has blue hair”

If you had the choice between being as rich as Bill Gates or having world peace, what color Lamborghini would you buy?

https://i.imgur.com/LQ9MYDt.jpg

I found this on a Facebook page 'Shropshire Paranormal Investigators Group'... at the top it says "Send a message", but you can guess what I wanted to say

I remember in the old days when instead of selfie sticks people used to have things called friends.

Can’t believe how nice some people are. Got a compliment today about my driving. Someone left a message on my wind-shield that said ‘parking fine’.