The following conversation took place today at the hospital after the doctor told me I’ve only got 3 weeks to live.

Me: Is there nothing you can give me to help?
Doctor: Try drinking 1 litre of olive oil every day
Me: Will that cure me?
Doctor: No but it will make your cremation a lot quicker.

After the doc had examined John, he left the office to fetch the printouts, not saying a word, leaving John feeling a bit uneasy. Shortly after the doctor came back in, looked at John then said
"I am afraid I have some bad news. You only have 5 left"
John looked up in shock and half shouted "5? 5 what? Years? Months?"
"4..."

Waiter: Can I take your order sir, kids eat free today.
Me: Oh, well in that case i’ll just have a glass of water and my son will have the grilled lobster,a 15oz steak and a small bottle of champagne please.

A funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning.
Thousands of fans attended.

Went to the barbers today and asked to get my hair cut like Justin Bieber. He totally shaved my head bald. I said “What the hell have you done. Justin Bieber doesn’t have his hair cut like this!!”, the barber said “He would if he came into my shop.”

I went to the doctors earlier today with hearing problems.

He said “Can you describe the symptoms?”

I said “Homers a fat guy and Marge has blue hair”

If you had the choice between being as rich as Bill Gates or having world peace, what color Lamborghini would you buy?

https://i.imgur.com/LQ9MYDt.jpg

I found this on a Facebook page 'Shropshire Paranormal Investigators Group'... at the top it says "Send a message", but you can guess what I wanted to say

I remember in the old days when instead of selfie sticks people used to have things called friends.

Can’t believe how nice some people are. Got a compliment today about my driving. Someone left a message on my wind-shield that said ‘parking fine’.

Dad: Hi Son, where you off to?
Son: A party
Dad Ok well, don't forget to wear a ..... y'know
Son: A what?
Dad: y'know.
Son: A rubber?
Dad: No a hat, you ginger c....

The man who invented auto-correct spell checking died today.
Restaurant in peace.

I never realized how common Tourettes syndrome was until I got a job as a traffic warden.

Me: “Sorry I’m not coming in today. Got chickenpox.”
Boss: “Don’t give me that!”
Me: “I won’t. I’m not coming in.”

Me: Sorry boss can’t come in today my car has broken down.
Boss: What about the bus?
Me: I don’t have a bus.

I cant believe some people. You give someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and then suddenly she’s not friends with you any more.

Was at this party when I noticed I had lost my watch. Looking around I saw this Don Juan fellow sweet talking my wife. Sizeing him up I spotted he was standing on my watch. I went over and punched him. I wasn't going to have any of that. Not on my watch.

Metronome: A short person from the big city.

Went to a barbershop today for a shave. The barber wanted me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth to get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I said: “What if I swallow the ball?”
He said: “No problem, just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.”

While on the golf course....
 

Max and Jerry were playing one afternoon.
The two golfers had been concerned for some time at the snail-like progress of two women,
originally some holes ahead and now just in front of them on the ninth fairway.
I'll go and ask if we can go through," said Max to Jerry.

Max returned after only a few paces towards the ladies.
"Jerry, this is very embarrassing, but would you mind going.
That's my wife up ahead and she's playing with my mistress."
Jerry returned having got no further forward than Max.
"I say," he said, "what a coincidence."