My son brought his first girlfriend home tonight. The verdict? Flat chested, fat legs, and a flabby backside.
Oh, and she doesn’t react well to criticism.

My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday. I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

Why was the man fired from Ikea?


He tried to take Stockholm.

Can’t seem to find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.

It was here a minute ago.

Just read in the newspaper that lots of Americans have been sending their old clothes to the poor in Africa.

Wast of time in my opinion. I’ve never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

Saw this in the personal's column


Man with Corona virus desires to meet lady with Lyme disease.



:D

Just woken up with rice on my face.
I must have fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau.

Marks and Spencer have recently announced they are going to merge with Poundstrecher.

The new supermarket will be called StrechMarks.

Bought some Body Armour a couple weeks back just for the heck of it.
I found out you get discounts when you wear it!
I expect a few more visits to Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Cremes will return my investment!

Customer: What’s the WiFi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Customer: Ok, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: $10 please.
Customer: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase!

Found out today that some of the most famous French food doesn’t even come from France. Apparently French fries are actually cooked in Greece?

Scientific survey found out recently that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Trump has announced that recent airstrikes were a great success. After reducing large parts of Syria to rubble people living in Detroit now feel slightly less jealous of Syrians.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ