Just had the following conversation at the airport

Security: Do you mind if we search your luggage?
Me: It depends, what are you looking for?
Security: Drugs
Me: Well in that case, no!

Stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia.

Conor McGregor walks into a bar and says, “I’ll take a couple of shots please.” The barman says, “You didn’t take them very well on Saturday”

Just got a pizza delivered and they forgot to put mozzarella on it. I’m really cheesed off.

Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Baltimore, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear. "What's the matter," Bob asked, "flying bother you?"

"No, I've been transferred to Baltimore. I've heard things are terrible there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Baltimore all my life. It's not as bad as the media say. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as you want to make it."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking. He said, "Oh, thank you! I've been worried to death. But if you live there, and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail-gunner on a Budweiser truck."



Magic

Just signed a £250,000 per week contract to play for Manchester United.

I just need to get them to sign it now.

Interviewer: What’s your main weakness and strength?
Me: Well my main weakness is knowing the difference between truth and fiction.
Interviewer: And your strength?
Me: My main strength is that I’m Batman!

Last night a cinema near me was robbed of over £1000.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large drinks and a pack of Skittles.

Most people are shocked when they find out…

I’m a self-taught electrician.

I’m going through a divorce at the moment and my wife told me she is going to make sure that my bank balance is £0…
That’s nice of her, paying off my debts.

How can you tell what clan a scotsman belongs to???

Check under his kilt, if he's got a quarter pounder, he's a Mcdonalds.

My Doctor has advised me to start running. I’m not ill or anything, I’ve just been sleeping with his wife.

What one atom said to the other: "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."

I don’t understand Christians. They say that gambling is wrong, then bet their entire life on heaven being real.

If you want to change the world do it while you’re single.
Once you get married you can’t even change the TV channel.