My young daughter asked me this morning.

“Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night, I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream?”

“Nothing darling,” I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half shaved head.

I just can’t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently.

English and Klingon.

Wife: Have you emptied the trash tonight?
Husband: Erm no, I’ll do it in the morning.
Wife: What about the cat?
Husband: I can ask but I think it might be a bit too heavy for him to lift.

My wife just called me.

She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous.”

I said, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers then.”

My friend rang me and asked, “What’re you doing at the moment?”

I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”

Man: You’re a bit fat aren’t you.
Women: Tell me something I don’t know!
Man: Salad taste’s nice.

Why did the cannibal refuse to eat the man who had no legs?


Perhaps because the cannibal was lack toes intolerant?

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O’Shea.

I’ve decided to dedicate my life to getting prostitutes off the streets.

Usually for an hour or so each time.

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, “You are an irresponsible father!”

I said, “Who was that? Stop the car, son.”

Just had the following conversation with my friend who’s gone backpacking in North Korea.

Me: So how’s your holiday in North Korea going?
Friend: I literally can’t complain and I’ve willingly decided to stay here for another 10 years without any threats of violence. Goodbye!

Doctor: Don’t eat anything fatty
Me: What? You mean like bacon or burgers?
Doctor: No fatty!! Don’t eat anything.

I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for Christmas. Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I’m now in casualty…

I love Jesus. He’s born, I get presents. He dies, I get chocolate. He’s the best.

I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.