I've been married long enough to appreciate that.

For a while Houdini used trap doors in every act.

But it was a just a stage he was going through.

I went drag racing today. It was fun, but I did feel stupid in a dress.

Yesterday I went through a costly and painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed.

Still, I got some fantastic wedding presents.

Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?

A: To get to the second hand shop.

Knock knock.
whose there?
“Doorbell repair man“

I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Saville, when I was eight he fixed it for me to milk a cow, blindfolded.

I have a nice step ladder


My real ladder left us when I was young.

What’s the difference between an actor and a politician? An actor has better script writers with more believable story-lines.

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day in December.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

Buddha goes into a "Subway"

"Make me one with everything".

The England team visited an orphanage today in Poland.

‘It was amazing to put a smile on the faces of a group of people who constantly struggle and have little hope’

said Jan Zamoyski, aged 6

The weather forecast for tonight…. Dark!

For the love of De
 

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen are defaulted

Florists are deflowered

Students are detested

Hostels are debunked

Spies are debugged and detailed

Corporations are deformed and delimited

Celibate people are delayed

Chauffeurs are derided

Record keepers are described

Plumbers are dethroned

Clerks are defiled

Traffic cops are defined

Naturists are denuded

Election officials are devoted

Accountants are decertified

Builders are deconstructed

Confused people are demystified

Intelligence officials are declassified

Interpreters for the deaf are designed

Road builders are degraded

Waiters are deserved

Horses put out to stud are desired

Castles are demoted

Organ donors are delivered

Anything certain is depending

After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff



Mr. Putin, we have some good news and some bad news about this election


OK, what's the bad news.


Sir, The bad news is that your opponent received 65% of the vote


What's the good news


Sir, the good news is that you received 75% of the vote.

^and ^^ :haha: :haha:

My girlfriend asked me if I ever wanted to get married.

Apparently, “when I meet the right girl” was the wrong answer.

This morning the doctor said I have attention deficit something or another, I dunno I wasn't really listening.

Continuing darkness until early morning light.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?